Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Nothing But Purple


I once went to a psychic in Texas who told me that I had a neighbor that served as "a little sex partner" for me. My neighbors at the time were as follows -- a hobbit-like man named Doyle who looked as if he'd leapt off the pages of a Joyce Carol Oates story in the role of pervert, an incredibly kind, very happily married, African-American Vietnam Vet who had lost both of his legs because the doctor had removed the wrong one (one had gangrene because of his diabetes) during surgery, and a closeted lesbian history teacher who had lived with the closeted lesbian librarian for as long as I could remember. I could not imagine having sex with any of my neighbors and told her so. One of them wants to be, she said, the crappy psychic fallback line to be sure. You could probably take your pick. Uh huh, I said, thinking that Doyle was most assuredly the worst of the lot and if he told me that I'd be more beautiful if I smiled more often and pulled the stick out of my ass, that I would gouge out his eyes with rusty needles. Later in the reading, she informed me that I spent a lot of time supressing rage. To loosely quote Hamlet, One needs no ghost to tell me this!

Alas, people are always telling us things we do not wish to hear. Once as I walked through a department store make-up section, a woman stopped me and my sister and asks if we want to see our damage. She had a machine that you put your face next to that lit up in different colors according to how bad things were. Beth loves that sort of thing and immediately tried it. Her face, by the machine's reading, was healthy beyond belief. How about you? the woman asked. I said no, but was pressured into it. Nothing but purple, she said. I've never seen so much damage -- poor nutrition, dehydration. I gasped in mock horror. You mean a steady diet of Dr. Pepper and low-fat Twinkies haven't done much for me? Maybe if I had smiled into the machine and surpressed just a little more rage, the reading would have turned out differently.

Michelle's Spell of the Day

"I'm looking for a man that excites me as much as a baked potato." Eating

Cocktail Hour

Drinking movie suggestion: Drunks

Benedictions and Maledictions

Happy Wednesday!

68 days until The Sopranos!

20 comments:

Nat said...

Yup, I like you. The mall people and the personality testers are so much fun. I took one once and the guy got mad at me for agreeing with his test. "You think that you are better than everyone else." He told me I couldn't get help until I wanted to change. To this I replied, "Hey man, I am already perfect, you guys asked me to take the test..."

Cheers. And remember, it takes more muscles to frown, and Americans could use the excercise.

Christian Dior said...

That's a pretty dress you have on in the photo, Michelle.

G.B. Harrison said...

I'm in the thrall of boundless pleasure when you quote Shakespeare, Michelle. I wish you'd do it more often.

Stephen Greenblatt said...

I like the Mel Gibson version of "Hamlet" the best. It's so cool the way he goes berserk when his father's ghost tips him off. Mel goes brillianlty cuckoo

Rodney Dangerfield said...

"Brillianlty cuckoo" is hilarious if I do say so myself. And I don't know Shakespeare from Shinola, if you know what I mean.

Bud Wiser said...

I'll drink to that. And let's all remember to DRINK RESPONSIBLY BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER THE SUPERBOWL!!!!

Inspector Clueso said...

And ver do zey zell zees "low-fat Twinkies," eh?

Anonymous said...

Two things I'll never do: see a psychic and have my skin x-rayed (for lack of a better word) to check for damage. I don't need to be reminded of all the physical and mental things wrong with myself. In fact, I'm too busy listening to everyone else's tragedies to be concerned with mine.

Anonymous said...

Have you come to realize that your life is truely shaped by Kesey's "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"...I just haven't decided which character you are in it. Martini with his "I'll bet a nickel", Nurse Ratchet ;"It's medication time", Turkel "I'll get in trouble...oh hello lovely Ladies"
Chief, the silent observer with the real power.

BBBBBillllly who was cured of stuttering by getting laid until he met Ratchet the next day, or any of the ones that were voluntarily committed.

Or the lobotomized McMurphy.

The psychic probably was wrong in telling you one of your neighbors wanted you for a "little sex partner" Most lkely it was the hobbitt, who may have brought his own sheep AND the two lesbians. Naked you probably would have been the littlest of the bunch so the psychics prediction may have been accurate.

Had you been like Mcmurphy and at least tried or had you ripped the sink from the floor and thrown it through the window, (a sure cure for your rage anyway), at least you would have proven her ability in the psychic department one way or the other.

So what, people are constantly telling me things I don't want to hear and if someone wanted me to stick my face into a machine to tell me my aura or whatever I'd do it just so I would break the fucking machine with my rage, just like i break mirrors with my ugly mug.

Who gives a fuck about what people say; think for a minute on all the things people have ever said to you and the ones that come immediately to mind...how much of it makes sense?

"I'll bet a nickel"

paul said...

CajunQ
PoorVetNoLegs
hopehesuedRx

fortuneteller
willies

FoxyLadyD
staywarm
staysafe
R2C2!

Anonymous said...

Ooooo, Michelle! Where'd you get that dress? I love it!!! Man, we have got to go shopping together. Love your post. Thanks for the comment. It encouraged me quite much. :-) -Jill

Cheri said...

I love the dress Michelle!

My favorite encounter with a "mall person" is tied between two incidents- the guy trying to sell me magazine subscriptions so he could go on spring break (who I later saw stalking the campus of the college!) and the guy who put some horrid mint heat pad onto my face only a few days after having throat surgery, burning the wounds inside me with the smell.

It's always an experience... =D


I hope that you're doing well!!

Anonymous said...

People fall for you quite often Michelle. Your neighbors, the couple from a few posts back, hell, I fell pretty hard for you while taking a CW class. (I think Shannon did too)

There is certainly lots of love here in the comments of your blog as well. Or am I confusing it all with lust or 'adult crushes'? Are you cool with being lusted for so or is it all a bother? An annoyance one must deal with when they wear a dress on the internet?

hope I am not coming off like a doofus here. Just a thought...

Anonymous said...

To paraphrase Kirk in one of the Star Trek movies, "I don't want my damage taken away. I need my damage."

Capt. Kirk said...

She's in my force field.

Anonymous said...

Hey Michelle,
I know the machine you are speaking of---evil!!! :0)
I couldn't stop laughing when I read your post today!!!
You look fabulous--- as always!
Lots of Love~from Stacey

Anonymous said...

It's well known that those "damage" machines show purple more readily for people who go to psychics.

It's all the psychic's fault.

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