Sunday, January 07, 2007

My Story Is No Different



I once set up a friend of mine with a man she came to refer to as the Slow Talker. The situation was classic set-up; my friend was lonely, my then-beloved had a single friend who was great, and I nursed the fantasy of having an instant couple friendship, no muss, no fuss, since we already liked both people. For once, my motives were relatively pure -- usually set-ups involve dumping one pain in the ass lonely friend on an unwitting victim to not hear the incessant whining about there being "nobody good" out there or setting up someone you are secretly in love with, but cannot have because you are already in a loveless, dead relationship that you feel you must continue for any number of reasons. Alas, no good or bad deed in playing Cupid goes unpunished, and my story is no different. My friend and the Slow Talker went out on three dates. My friend was a little high-strung, a little bit hospital corners, a little bit House of Usher. (You see why we are friends!) The Slow Talker was a kind, smart lawyer, a beloved only child without any real issues. The match was, as they say, a few rungs lower than heaven. His list of sins included wearing sweats on a date, renting terrible movies, taking her to a country place called The Dinner Bell where he'd dated most of the waitstaff, and well, talking slow. I'd never noticed it before she pointed it out, but a lot of his sentences took a long time, as if he were a record set a few seconds off its normal speed.

We all went out once for Chinese food, and that was the beginning and end of my couple friend fantasy life. The dinner was strained and awkward -- even my very asocial then-boyfriend was working his ass off to make conversation, a sign that things were sinking fast. I'd hoped for a last minute save from the fortune cookies, a divine sign that things were better than they seemed. Ha! No help from those evil things! I got one that said, You have found love, the same one my then-beloved got. I wished that I could magically transfer mine to my friend, but no such luck. My friend and the Slow Talker got fortunes that aren't really fortunes, you know, You are artistic and have many friends, etc. The Slow Talker read his slowly, as if he were translating from another language. She smiled at him, like he were a child, not one of her own, not a beloved one, just someone struggling to make sense of what was in front of him.

Michelle's Spell of the Day

"I'm standing here, knowing that I have a loaded gun in my mouth, but I love the taste of the metal, and I can't let it go." Robert Downey Jr. at his last court sentencing for drugs

Cocktail Hour

Drinking music suggestion: Another Side of Bob Dylan Bob Dylan

Benedictions and Maledictions

Happy birthday to my dearly departed dad, born a day before Elvis' birthday. The park I am pictured in was the site of many of his company picnics.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Do you remember the last question I asked you when last we met before your sabbatical? If you don't i won't refresh your memory but i will say that they certainly provide great hay from the field for writing about.

I was never much of a dater, shy and incompetent at it. But i always seemed to have a woamn around that wanted be there; for awhile anyway.

The super fast talkers make me as insane as the slow talker made yoour friend but then he was an attorney and those fuckers are trained to double think every word before they speak it his problem was he never could not be an attorney and her problem sounds like she was wound just a bit to tight, hospital corners, i remember them from the military beds made so taught that the DI could bounce a quarter high enough to have it land back in his hand.

But what i want to know is aren't your motives always pure or are you admitting to being a schemer? hmmmm?
when it comes to setting up your associates with one another which I personally find it to be funny, that you of all people at an earlier time in your life would be trying to set anyone up, but it is only moderate amusement because of all of the "my then beloved's" you refer to.

Ahhh well we all walk the road at our own pace and if everything on that road was never changing in view then it would be a boring road to walk.

Once again though in all seriousness to yoou and your sister condolences about your pop and may his rest be a bit more cofortable on his birthday because of the beautiful blankets of thought you are giving him to keep him warm in his sleep.

Peace my dear friend

TWM

P.S. Matthew Sheppard is coming along well i think, I will be talking to the printer later today on the page count etc. so a thank you is in order even though I am poking you with a little stick in todays post, Thank You for being so encouraging in the wordsmith dept. y the by did you get the last ten pages of the other?

Anonymous said...

I really aught to proof read before i post but fuck it no changing it now. I really can spell...sort of

reading suggestion: The Dog Died by Raymond Carver

paul said...

Cajun Q, Foxy Lady D
that springy thing givesmethewillies as do slowtalkersandwalkers
butpainkillersarealwaysgood
happyborthdaytoyoudaddy
nowcomeandsaveourcity
O Mighty Isis
Shazammmmmmmmmm!!!!!
R2 C2!

JR's Thumbprints said...

Perhaps, because he was a lawyer, his conversation was slow and calculated ... or should I say, "miscalculated?" I've never been one to play cupid, nor has anyone done it for me. Instead, I ended up marrying the secretary where I had worked.

Anonymous said...

I love The Fall of the House of Usher! Very twisted. Yeah I've tried to set up friends before to end their loneliness. I've learned to just let things be. Although I am once again on the prowl for my dear friend Cheri! ;o) Even if you don't want a boyfriend, Tony is a really great friend! Remember that Cheri my dear! haha have a great weekend Michelle.

John Ricci said...

Dear Michelle such a lovely humorous story and post as always. Your friend must have been a darling girl and I am with her about men needing to dress up for a date and treating a woman royally. Who has time for slow talkers any way? Happy birthday to your Daddy and Bravo to you my dear!

Anonymous said...

You look so sad here, Sweets. I hope you've surrounded yourself with your daddy's things, so that you can feel close to him...
Love you,
R

Anonymous said...

This story is so insightful--especially the explanation of why people get set up on blind dates! I am not sure I am that selfless to set someone up with someone I can't want because I am not available for them...

...fortunes that are not fortunes--what a waste!

Anonymous said...

Sheila- I've had some horrible blind dates, one including CRAZY STEVE and another to a Homecoming my freshman year.

I didn't want to look dorky so I didn't wear my glasses, thusly, I was blind as a bat. Literally. Probably a good choice because once I saw this guy up close I realized how incredibly HIDEOUS that he was. My friend that I went with decided to crush up her antidepressants and put it into a plastic baggie to resemble cocaine and sniffed out of it while we drove around in the limo. Yes, a limo. I think we went to De La Salle's homecoming, I have no idea. I just remember how horrible it was and that I had to dance with the ugly guy with sweaty hands.

Anyways, Michelle, it's always fun to try to hook people up, though it almost always NEVER works! =D