Saturday, December 23, 2006

Thank You Anyhow, Bang, Bang


I once saw a television show documenting a few couples and ex-couples who had paid 2000 dollars to do a weekend-long retreat called Total Honesty therapy. They paid this money in order to be given a "safe" place to express what they thought of each other. The couples expressed everything they had been "holding back." Sweet Jesus. One woman begged her ex to go with her for closure, that most misguided of concepts, the only real closure being death and even then you're still talking to the person, the only difference is that the dead seldom answer except through freaky signs like lights flickering and whatnot. For her money and trouble, the woman was treated to such bon mots like her ex yelling, I resent your nose. The woman did have a large nose, but short of cutting it off to spite her face, there didn't seem a gosh dang thing she could do about it. After many more mean comments about her physical and emotional state, he told her that he liked the way she sang in the shower, but since he wasn't going to be hearing it anymore, he'd prefer not to think about it. After a lot of crying (mostly her -- hell, I'd be weeping had I shelled out a couple thousand to be told one horrible thing after another), they were instructed to hit each other with pillows to work out aggression. Not since my granddaddy gave me his one and only birthday gift to me, a hideous blow-up clown you could punch, had there been such a smoking hot idea.

So you won't see me advocating total honesty or punching or clowns. I'm fearful of two of those things -- I don't mind punching so much, though. I haven't hit anyone in years, but the last time I did I was dressed as Medusa. I walked up and punched a vicious little twerp who had been making fun of someone I really liked. I didn't have to pay any money, and somehow I think despite the costume and not saying anything, I was more honest than I had been in a very long time.

Michelle's Spell of the Day

"Giving me a new idea is like handing a cretin a loaded gun, but I do thank you anyhow, bang, bang." Philip K. Dick

Cocktail Hour

My suggestion for the perfect pre-Christmas Eve dinner: Martinis (my preference is for vodka, which I know is a purist violation, but alas, I'm not a purist) and fondue. Fondue is the most perfect food in the world since it's small, takes a long time to eat, and is totally non-intimidating. And strawberries in chocolate for dessert!

Benedictions and Maledictions

Dear readers, if you are so inclined, please check out my cousin Jay's blog -- there's a Christmas memory about my daddy's boyhood (his Uncle Don) that my dear cousin Jay has written in his kind, funny, sweet way. Thanks, Cousin Jay! http://mypc.press-citizen.com/blogs/blog.php?id_blogs=6

25 comments:

Crabby Appleton said...

Very funny from your cousin, Michelle--"Jack's nuts roasting" is better than the line from Phil Dick. And a very merry X-Mas to all you pricks out there!! Turn the other cheek, you pricks, and have a happy new year, too, yooz!!

Cyrano le Speciale said...

I would like to caress your nose for Chistmas.

Anonymous said...

It would be better if we went to conferences to learn how to make people like us more, and to learn how to end a disagreement without making an enemy.

Fr. Damien said...

I do that in my confessionals.

Sister Peter Marie said...

He's such a forgiving person.

Charles Reamer said...

I believe in the enlargement principle for settling disputes.

Curtis Lemay said...

Bomb them back to the stone age!

B. Dylan said...

Everybody must git stoned.

Al-Zargawi said...

If you bomb us, you will not get virgins.

Mullah al-moolah said...

He's right. We control the virgins. They don't call us totalitarian radical Muslims for nothing.

Pacman said...

Blond Lebanese hash is primo.

Grace Slick said...

A hookah smoking catipillah has given me the call. Go ask Alice, when she's ten feet tall.

Roll me a doobie said...

Without love, where would you be now?

Charles and Shaun Rogers said...

Where's the bong pipe?

Lt. Marinelli said...

Yeah, big game tomorrow. Da Bears. Gotta be high to watch dis one.

Lt. Marinelli said...

My Lai Massacre in Detroit. Lt. Marinelli: "I had to destroy the team to save it."

Dick Van Dyke said...

Chitty chitty bang bang. Geez, this is good weed.

Shor bus said...

My brain will fry like egg on dope.

Special said...

Too late.

Frank Zappa said...

Thank you anyhow. Watch out for that yellow snow.

T said...

That sounds horrible, why anyone would waste money on things like that is beyond me.

Hope you have a Merry Christmas, even though I know you detest the holidays.

And I hope you feel better, having step definately sucks

The Walking Man said...

Having just spent the past twenty hours in bed because i couldn't think of any thing better to do than that, posting to blogs seems as worthwhile a thing to do at 5 am as anything else.

How is it that no one seems to realize that pricks have feelings too...mostly of them the fuck 'em kind. Mainly we got those feelings either from turning the other cheek once to often or getting it backhanded after the forehanded slap. So still speaking only for this prick with total honesty and not in a clown face fuck christmas.

I got 99% of my christmas shopping at the dollar store for cards done, after a trip to the checkbook. The only time I give with a sense of obligation rather than a "here take it you need it more than I do."

If my old lady or I were crazy enough to spend 2k on a weekend get away where we are supposed to learn to communicate or have closure then it would be much better money spent on a divorce attorney. Then the attorney would get closure on that file and we would just move it along to the next phase without each other. Why do people need closure, shit happens...let it go and move past it why keep picking at the scab? Because you haven't been tortured enough? Like the sight of your own blood?

If I had to go to a conference to make people like me more that would be a counterproductive waste of money unless of course i was the one being paid to run the conference, because I don't give a rat's ass if someone likes me or not. You either like my total honesty or you detest it and even in that I don't care, the old lady must like it because not in 23 years has she ever said we need to go to counseling. she has said "You're crazier than a shit house rat." On nearly every one of those day but never with a sense that she wants me to not be that because she knows that anyone fucks with her and I will introduce myself to them as swiftly and as violently as my eight time broken knuckle will move.

There is a place also for total honesty but it is only when you are clear in the objective you are trying to arrive at. Just ask GWB and his weapons of mass destruction piece of bullshit, now theres a bitch in a clowns face that deserves to be hit by Medusa before she looks him in the eyes.Even though he is a home boy.

Now all you little ones have a happilly stoned christmas eve watching what the fuck ever game lions and bears play but personally i say forget the martini and strawberrys and try to find youself some yellow belladonna.

Middle East Review said...

GWB got really poor scores on his SAT verbal section. Not his fault. His parents really pushed the baseball thing. So GWB is a poor communicator. He's no Ronald Reagan. He has, however, eliminated the main weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. They are HUMAN weapons of mass destruction--Saddam and his henchmen.

JR's Thumbprints said...

Hey Michelle,
I've learned a long long time ago to avoid anything remotely close to "Total Honesty Therapy." I've also learned to admitted fault even when I know I'm right. And yeah, "regrets, I've had a few." Enjoy your Christmas Eve!

Adrienne said...

I didn't have martinis and also no fondue, but raclette instead. Another great xmas dinner! Totally honest!