Saturday, December 16, 2006

Something About The Metal

First impressions scare me. I'm stiff and inarticulate and speak in phrases that are slightly less natural than a Beckett play, or I'm totally manic and start talking as if I've had a hit of nitrous oxide and say things like, I think I'm getting a sty in my eye, I mean it feels like it, and it will swell up and there's nothing you can do about it although my mother used to rub a gold wedding band on it and that seemed to help, something about the metal and I once had homecoming pictures taken with a sty and it was awful . . . You get the idea. And of course, there's no getting over the joy of making a total ass of yourself. My sister speaks in charming malopropisms from time to time, and she said to me once upon my meeting someone-- You sounded artistic. I took it as a compliment until I realized she meant autistic. It seems to me that maybe I should go for full-blown loop de loo next time and start speaking only in Lou Reed lyrics.

When it comes down to it, the sensation brings back the thrills of high school when one's self-absorption and self-scrutiny and loathing are at an all-time high. I once got asked out on a date on a post-it note. The sender asked me to check a box if I wanted to go to dinner with him. If you're thinking this happened when I was really young, you would be wrong. The man in question was in his forties; I was in my twenties. His note gave me three options: Yes, I would like to go to dinner, No, I hate stinky you and please do not get near me anymore, and Maybe, I would like to torture you and drag this thing out for a long time. Did I check a box? Of course! In the end, I didn't check the box that turned out to be the nature of the relationship, but it was a first impression and damned if I didn't want it to be a good one.

Michelle's Spell of the Day

"Actually it only takes me one drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." George Burns

Cocktail Hour

First Impression

1 ounce Midori
1 ounce Kahlua
1 ounce Frangelico

Pour the ingredients, then strain into an old-fashioned glass and serve.

Benedictions and Maledictions

Happy Saturday!


Rodney Dangerfield said...

I love the impact first impressions can make. Take me, for instance. I once showed up for a job interview wearing a woman's fur-lined winter coat(it was late Summer)and I was toting a big, Words-of-Christ-in-Red Bible. The three people who interviewed me thought I looked hilarious and I got the job right away. No questions asked.

Special said...

I can almost see your oreos, Michelle.

Obama said...

I'm a reverse oreo.

H. Rodham said...

I'm a tough oreo.

SS said...

I'm going to toss my oreos.

Old Macdonald said...

E-I-E-I-O. It's not oreo, but it's close.

Casting Couch said...

I love it when you mime pussy, Michelle. This one's right up there with the cocktail shaker photo. Love you, baby. Try not to avert the eyes, next time. Look straight into the camera, honey. Love you.

Frank Bruni said...

What's wrong with Lou Reed lyrics? He did major in English, you know.

Paul said...

Cajun Queen
R2 C2 Foxy Lady!

Anonymous said...

I recently had an interview for a new job position, and every time I do something of the sort I decide that I am going to be charismatic and charming and make a good impression. Then I turn into a bumbling mess

Laura said...

I used to be nervous with first time meetings. Not anymore though. This is me, this is who I am, and if you don't like it, go away. That's my motto.

JR's Thumbprints said...

Well Michelle, You do seem to have a nervous energy about you--that was my first impression. At least you're not waiting for Godot.

The Walking Man said...

My first impression on this days posts is there must be a lot of ignorance in the world and some of it surely found it's way to tadoy's comments. I love it when people forget that civility can not be mimed and and i get the opportunity to speak my mind saying things like casting a first impression you did not mime being an asshole in your comment,

now to the blogger; first impresions...fuck 'em who cares, if someone is ging to judege your entire relationship with them according to what you say in nervousness the fuck them too.

I used to be so shy, that rather than go into a 7/11 and buy a pack ofcigarettes because i would have to talk to the counter persn that i would walk a mile futher to the bowling alley where I could use the machine. the old kind that had pull handles and no electronics to screw you out of your money if it was having a bad day.

But I think you can tell I got over that, Michelle you is as you is and every time I brought omeone to meet you they came away wanting to know you and more about who and what you are (except for that one person whom you intimidated, even though I left the room and all you two did for ten minutes was laugh about me)

When I meet a person for the first time, and I don't care if they are famous or rich or just a boob like me the last thing I think about is what impression I leaveem with because the first thing I think about is , this person has to drop thier drawers to take a shit just like i do. that thought takes away their power of intimidation over me. And yes i visualize the event because it's funny to think of your president in that awkward position using a true japanese toilet.

Except LBJ another Texan who used to hold meetings in the loo while taking a he was my kinda Leader and him i would have been possibly a bit awkward around until i sat in the bathroom with him talking and shitting and farting whie we discussed world peace and poverty.

Frances Fitzgerald said...

LBJ was BJ. He fucked up so bad on Nam it wasn't even funny. Makes GWB look like Einstein.