Wednesday, December 13, 2006

A Seventies Kind of Hostess

At a recent gathering at my hacienda, one of my friends exclaimed, You have the bachelor's refrigerator. Your freezer is ninety percent booze, ten percent ice. What can I say? The bottom part isn't much better -- Dr. Peppers, cherries, olives, tiny cans of champagne, bottled water, stray beers from six packs that people brought over and almost finished. I'm no cook and can't even fix myself a darned quesadilla, as Napoleon Dynamite's grandmother suggests to him when she leaves him for a couple of days. My diet hasn't changed much since I was fifteen -- Dr. Pepper for breakfast, cereal and/or apples for lunch, chocolate, some truly unhealthy entrees when I go out to eat. Christmas is great for someone like me -- treats galore! The fact that I inherited my dad's metabolism which means I look at food and gain weight and am no longer training to be the next Mary Lou Retton (four hours in a gym a day isn't conducive to a life, much less a writing career) means that scarcity of food in my house is kind of a good thing.

That said, I love to play hostess. It's a very seventies kind of hostess that I am, the one that brings out strong drinks and tiny food. I have clothes I would wear only at home for a party, impractical things that don't make any sense in the real world. What can I say? I don't make any sense in the real world! Given a choice between something beautiful and something that fits, I'll take the beautiful thing every single time, thinking I can transform myself into it, make myself bigger or smaller, and sometimes it works, the fantasy becomes a bubble which floats for much longer than you expect it will.

Michelle's Spell of the Day

"A glass of absinthe is as poetical as anything in the world. What difference is there between a glass of absinthe and a sunset?" Oscar Wilde

Cocktail Hour


1 ounce of silver tequila
1 ounce of creme de menthe
1 ounce of heavy cream

Shake and serve chilled as a martini.

Benedictions and Maledictions

Dear Lovely Readers,

A million thanks for your kind comments yesterday! I am so grateful for all the support I received. I was a little afraid of writing about the rape, but I kept hearing the first line in my head, and I knew I was doomed. Once you get the first line, you have everything! I wish that I could say that more noble reasons informed my decision, but there you have it. And as a side note, I hate the added burden of stigma that haunts many victims of sexual violence and is perpetuated by silence on the subject. I took a women's literature class years ago in which a woman who had escaped from an oppressive Muslim home (her words, not mine!) used to say, I cannot be silent any longer; I must speak and launch into whatever comment she had. This and Who is this Billy Joel man person? elicited many giggles from the class, but I came to appreciate her smart comments. I, too, feel it is time not to be silent any longer. As an associate of Tony Soprano's said to him about his panic attacks and subsequent visits to his psychiatrist, Dr. Melfi, There's no stigmata anymore, Tony. This malapropism never fails to make me laugh, and while there is always a stigmata involving such sexual violence, I hope that the stigma falls away, and if a story is a crack of light, then so be it.

In answer to some of the questions about the dying dolphin's fate, I certainly don't mind the violent suggestions for my little evil ex-friend, in fact, I think of him fondly, dying slowly of some painful disease rotting him to the core of his being, but scarring or a car running over him works as well! In all seriousness, I have been forced into forgiveness, which isn't as much fun, but I assume his life has not worked out for him if his performance as a dying dolphin was any example of the places he might go. I did not report him at the time out of fear and shame, and in large part because I felt whatever happened to me, I had somehow "brought" on myself. Thank goodness that I eventually got the sense God gave a goat and stopped believing that horseshit! Again, thanks for your kindness! Happy Wednesday!


Rodney Dangerfield said...

For a while there when my career was really rolling(such that it is).I would tell all my new girlfriends that I thought of myself as a Hostess Twinkie. Man, nothing succeeds like success, if you know what I mean.

William "The Refrigerator" Perry said...

I could fit a little cooler like that in my back pocket.

The Walking Man said...

Girlie you better take a class or you are going to wind up like my mother...being in the embaressing situation of having one of her 11 grand children who was only ten show her how to flip an egg over without it breaking apart (no she never mastered that skill but she did try for awhile)

When she was finally allowed to retire and lived with my grandmother, who I don't know how grannie lived to a 105 with my mother as her primary cook, everything they ate was microwaved..ever seen what microwaved chicken looks like?

I will teach you to cook and bake and fry and herb the shit out of stuff but, like my wife you eventually will say "stay the fuck out of the kitchen unless you're gettig a soda or a coffee because you are the messiest cook I have ever seen." My rule is if I make the food you clean up the makings of it. Her loss; the mess was worth the taste but now most of what she eats is microwaved prepackaged food while I eat mostly caffiene and nicotine. My diabetic diet.

I learned to cook starting at about ten, both of my parents worked so the old man said "the fat one probably could get dinner started" so at first he left written instructions which I didn't need after a year, by then I was up to a meat, vegetable and desert of some kind. That man though loved to bake, he would make seven layer tort cakes from scratch for my moms bridge club (I think she secretly took the credit)

I can also show you how to do squirrels and other small game over a campfire if you're up to that because once you get the eyes out, the fur off and the guts out it is simple roasting. and no it does not taste like chicken. Possum does tough.

And you are a bachelorette so why shouldn't you have bachelor style food in your fridge...a bottle of catsup and the rest booze of some kind...because it's funny when someone is so wasted they grab the catsup thinking it's alcohol and try to take a drink..better yet take the label off and make a label that says "Bloody Mary"

And you are beautiful no matter what choice of clothes you use to cover that which covers your beautiful soul and spirit.

Concerning your ending to today's post I hope that forgiveness you speak of was first forgiving yourself for having accepted the responsibility for the heinous actions of another. Forgiving him is healing also but never forget; make it what it is now, a horrible moment that happened in one of your two billion lifetimes in this body.

Even though it was in your teens, you're only in your mid twenties now it wasnt long enough ago; next time we see each other if you want we will put some of that same form of darkness into his present. I'm up for another curse to throw. It will only be the second one this decade for me so i do believe I got more in me to get out. and maybe some dark juju for the ill considerate from yesterday...naw forget that i will just do that on my own.

I personally am so proud of you for getting that out; you don't know how many of your readers were finally able to see that they are not alone in the fear and shame that stoped them from going to their parents or the law.


Anonymous said...

Haha. Great post. Love the picture too! If I had my own mini fridge it would be filled with Dr. Pepper, Coca Cola, and cheesecake. Yup... that's about it.

Jon said...


Your blog is yours. The posts and the pictures are yours. But the rude, stupid comments (so far none today!) that you allow without reaction are yours too. I see those comments as I see screaming children whose parent ignores them. Those kids can yell and curse and hit and the parent continues walking through the mall or sitting at the DMV or chatting with a friend as though nothing unusual or disruptive is going on. Those of us in the area would never expect such a parent to strike their child down, but we’re all silently begging to hear, “Justin, that’s enough. No more.” Maybe it would work and maybe it wouldn’t, but at least there would be some satisfaction in hearing it. I like your blog and will continue to visit, but I bet if you were to tell a rude, stupid, insensitive commentator, “This is rude and stupid and insensitive…cut it out!” you’d hear cheers from your readers. Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

For a while there, I was doing the ramen, pizza, and beer diet. Can't say I have any regrets, although now I've upgraded to: Entrees from greasy college diners and beer. Oh, and pizza and ramen, too.

As for yesterday's post, the first line was perfect, despite the circumstances. You're a courageous one, finding the forgiveness. This reminds me of some advice that my "Bible as Literature" professor gave to our class. She gave the same advice to friend who happened to be a Holocaust survivor: "Forgive, but never forget." I'll never forget that advice.

John Ricci said...

Dear Michelle, now that is my kind of MiniBar, only add some mini-Bolly bottles and champagne glasses with caviar and crackers. You have such a lovely smile and evening outfit and as always a most charming post. To you, another Bravo!

JR's Thumbprints said...

With my years of chauffeuring for bachelorette parties, I believe it's okay to refer to your freezer as a bachelorette freezer, instead of a bachelor freezer.

The Walking man said...

JON...just out of curiosity if you were in your favorite Wal-Mart store and saw a frustrated parent beating the crap out of their kid while screaming "Justin , that's enough now!" would you step into the situation and calm it down? Or mind your own business thinking "what a stupid, rude and insensitive parent?" and move to another part of the store where you would not be bothered by the noise of the wailing child?

Comments in a free society don't have to be sensative or compassionate but personally i would rather anything but apathy which would mean no comment at all, because even the ignorant or the worst of commentators in this society have a right to be a vocal asshole.

Like the ove frustrated parent beating the child in public. Buddy, the days of "wait until your father gets home" are over with.

And imho if you do not step in with a spirit of peace when that child is out of control then you contribute to the problem, and commenting to the blogger about the commentators on the blog is not stepping in. it is expecting someone else to take the action that YOU want but maybe they don't.

Better example: You're at at a Red Wings game standing room only ticket and a fight rolls out of the stands and down to where you are standing do you let the drunken lout punch you because he is swinging at whomever he views or do you let him cock the arm and then blast him first with a fist between the eyes?

He is responsible for the action you take; so which is it you get hit (reactive action) or you take the first shot hoping the guy either moves on to someone not as easily intimidated or goes down so the law can cuff him? (pro-active action)

In plan english, plain enough that even i can understand, if someone says something that disgusts you and bothers the you to the point where your fucking underwear get's in a knot it is your responsibility to act not anyone elses.

I have been in both situations described above and in the first i ALWAYS go up to the out of control parent and make an attempt to calm them by reminding them that whatever the child was doing is not as bad as what is happening now and in the second i cold cocked the motherfucker as soon as i saw him cock his arm because I have been hit enough to know that given my 'druthers i'd soon as break another knuckle on someones face than have to go to bed that night knowing i should have but didn't.

get it?.


Anonymous said...

Walking man -
While I completely understand your point, this is Michelle's blog. If she wants it moderated, isn't it up to her to do so, or to appoint someone else to do so?

Of course, given her laissez-fair attitude on posts, we all could just get on and start telling other people what to do, but that would be kinda rude, don't you think.

Creamy one said...

You're the hostess with the mostest, babycakes, Michelle foxy lady.

The Walking Man said...

Jamie...yes that last portion of your statementis my point exactly...if Michelle wants to moderate her blog she will. One thing I do know is the woman ain't shy but if what someone says gets Jons underwear in a knot then he should speak up to that person not leave it to one who truly wants to hear both the positive and negative comments. That is called dialogue, communication, expression of opinion or plain ignorant verbiage if you will at times.

I am not trying nor would ever try to tell Jon what to do but if anything that anyone, including Jon, in any forum anywhere says something that gives my underwear a twist i will speak up for myself directly to the party who twisted my drawers, or for them who can not defend themselves ie; a two year old getting the snot knocked out of it by an out of control parent, or a mentally defective person of limited IQ who is being picked at by a bunch of snot nose kids. It is my duty as a human to do those things.

Rude to me is asking another to clen up a pile of shit they didn't create, if it bothers you and it ain't yours then you clean it up because you're the one bothered by it sitting there.

The man has as much right to ask for polite censorship as i have the right to tell him his desire for censorship is full of shit; even polite censorship that doesn't use the language i do.

But frankly fuck it; he has a keyboard let him type his objections to the person making the comment that he finds offensive. Which he had no problem doing to a comment of mine in November....but I recognize his right to make the comment and I recognize my right to respond to it in the same forum it was made in.

Michelle does not need me to defend her, she is quite capable of that, all on her own, but i have the absolute right as an American to respond to what offends my right or the right of anyone to speak and literary pomposity is offensive to this un-educated illiterate; who lacks the desire to use proper diction and grammer and the fucking language skills the nuns beat into his ass oh so many years ago.

Over two million dead American veterans give me this right as well as that piece of paper bush has turned into toilet paper, called the Bill of Rights.

Is my attitude rude? Or is it freedom? one of three words i have had tatooed on my arm for over 34 years the others being Deja Vu.

Besides i would never have the temerity to tell another what to do, but rather I feel capable enough to make the suggestion that if he has a problem with a poster take it up himself and not leave it to a person who already spends too much time controlling people (students) to defend his sense of morality, and has made it perfectly clear that she won't filter out anyone because of that freedom.

Message to all: I can and do sit and write most all of every day I am one of those unfortunates that will not stop babbling because the brook never seems to run dry so if you don't like long responses call me on the phone because I hate that damn thing.

Walk a mile in my shoes said...

Right on.

Billy Barty said...

That's a perfect size frig for me. Can I climb all over you?

James Baker III said...

GWB is a proud and good Texan who wouldn't do that to the Bill of Rights. Besides, his dad and I play tennis at the club.

Sir Basil Seal said...

Is that Bombay Saphire Gin, Michelle? It's so wonderful and always makes me do reverse back flips off my desk here at the consulate in Detroit. In fact I'm about to do one(a Bombay)right now. Do stop by for a drinky poo any time.
Affectionately yours,

Jon said...

Oh, good grief!

I never referred to anyone beating a child! I only spoke of loud kids. I said the rest of the world would appreciate a little parental correction.

I believe that every word in my comment was respectful to Michelle, her blog and her rights to manage it as she pleased.

And for the record, while I was at work one day, many years ago, I saw a woman pick her three year old up and throw him four feet into the nearest wall. I walked up and took her to the floor while my assistant called the police. This however, having been 1979 or so, the cop "spoke with her" and let them go.

The comments I don't like I forget about...unless they have my name at the top.

No knots in my shorts.

The Walking Man said...

"I bet if you were to tell a rude, stupid, insensitive commentator, “This is rude and stupid and insensitive…cut it out!” you’d hear cheers from your readers. Just a thought."

There ya go Jon although not addressed directly to me it was to me from you without asking for the bloggers intervention.
Thank you, That's all I was saying one should do.
And thank you on behalf of that child because even though the cops only talked to her...maybe just maybe she thought about the situation and corrected it.