Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Christmas Isn't Over Yet



















Christmas is coming, and for me that means long stretches of watching The Sopranos and eating small bits of treats that the neighbors bring over. If you eat HALF a cookie, you are not eating the entire cookie and even if you eat four or five HALF cookies, you have not gorged yourself on cookies because you're only eating bits and pieces which as anybody knows, does not have as many calories, much like food you eat in a picnic setting does not have any calories at all. Apply this to drinking as well -- I often prefer to split drinks with people as to not be drinking an entire mind-altering, calorie-laden concotion. This is my Christmas survival guide. The other part involves purchasing some really fantastic novel or memoir that you've wanted to read, preferably something depressing so that you are wrapped up in a far more horrible world than the one you frequent. One of my favorite Christmas memories is reading Possessing the Secret of Joy by Alice Walker, a novel about female genital mutilation. I have to admit that Walker's later novels have lost me a little bit, but the early ones are tremendous. I would not, however, recommend the accompanying video for anyone but the most stout of heart.

With a week until the holiday, I find myself thinking about shopping (which, of course, is easier than doing it) and hoping for the Christmas spirit to find me. When I was in the seventh grade, one of my friends said she'd lost all the fun of Christmas, didn't even want to think about the holiday. I knew her family was very poor even by my standards which were not high. Stoic that she was, she didn't mention that her mother's cancer had returned. There's a great Dolly Parton song, "Hard Candy Christmas" which I love that sums up her situation. So there's another thing for Christmas -- Dolly Parton music, which I adore, sad and broken and pure that it is. Settle back with your half-cookies and half-drinks and watch Tony Soprano go through his days in New Jersey. Good things are bound to happen. As Tony says when he hears an enemy has had a heart attack, Merry Christmas -- drinks for everyone! It's not the Christmas spirit, but it'll work in a pinch.

Michelle's Spell of the Day

"I try to teach my heart not to want things it can't have. " Alice Walker

Cocktail Hour

Drinking music suggestion: The Bargain Store Dolly Parton

Benedictions and Maledictions

Happy Tuesday!

27 comments:

Professor Irwin Corey said...

Whenever I get the chance, I teach Alice Walker's essay, "Am I Blue?". To me it's a wonderful introduction to anthropormorphism, but then again maybe it's just me. Merry Chistmas anyways!

Professor Irwin Corey said...

For all of you Woody Allen fans, I'm in "The Curse of the Jade Scorpion." Piece on Earth!

Anonymous said...

I am reading "
No god but God: The Origins, Evolution, and Future of Islam" because there is nothing more depressing than trying to figure out how the western world and Islam can ever peacefully coexist.

Paul said...

myCajun Queen, ucanhavecookies and everythingwithsomeunbrokeXmaslites includedbackattheOM. Shotesonthehouse4FoxyLady#1
OMightyIsis
Shazammmmmmmmmm
R2C2!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I like cookies but my favorite ones to eat are the sugar cookies I make for Christmas every year!

JR's Thumbprints said...

Hey Michelle, at least you've made Christmas your own. I, on the other hand, have to be in too many places at one time. If only I could take half of me over here and half of me over there and eat a quarter of a cookie here and a quarter of a glass of whiskey and water there, and vice versa, I'd be all set.

The Walking Man said...

I woould gladly change places with you except I would have a stack of comic books for literature and not eat only half of anything.

You could then go with the wife and dog to a few relaives homes , who won't come to mine because it would bring them south of 8 mile road, and blend into the scenery because you don't care. Christmas and 99% of all holidays are bullshit and this is the biggest bullshit one of all.

If one need fight with the desire to give something to others than it is not a cheerful giver but rather one who feels a sense of obligation.

Personally, If i worked, just give me the day off and leave me alone, shut everything down for the day, including the phone services and gas stations and just sleep in.

At least that way everyone gets the day off and there is no hypocrasy to the moment.

Pretending you really like the people you are forced to be with. Of course i don't have that problem because as an asshole I say what ever I want and let you know exactly what i think of you and don't have to mask up for the day, especially when the other three hundred odd days of the year you really, truly know what i think.

So from Holloween on through the day before Martin Luther Kings birthday (Jan 15) people as a whole would be wise to just leave The Walking Man Alone with God so we can laugh at the ignorance of what all this bullshit has become and means; and no Jesus doesn't laugh because he wasn't born in December, he'd rather, I do believe, we just go back to the winter solstice orgy and bachannal and leave him out of it.

So Michelle go ahead and eat the whole godamned cookie,eat a dozen of them, two, if you really want and drink bourbon straight from the bottle if the christmas spirit doesn't find you then....well there is always the orgy option to work off the calories.

The Walking Man said...

PS shouldn't the title of this particular blog have a "?" at the end of it?

The girl can't help it said...

For you it should be PMS, not PS.

short bus said...

We want the Spell, we want the Spell, we want the Spell, etc.

The Walking Man said...

"The girl can't help it said...
For you it should be PMS, not PS."

My kind of person, one who lets you know exactly what they fucking think. And darlin' TWM doesn't pms for a few days it is a state of mind that lasts until I choose otherwise.

Cheri said...

Cookies are my favorite part of Christmas. My family is starting a new tradition this year- Secret Santa. My Aunt went on and on to me once when I was waiting on her at my work, telling me, "The whole point of the S.S. (could I clue you in anymore to my family's tyrany) is for the person to go, spend a half hour with the one those chose, and learn something about them."

No one has visited me so far and in 4 days we will be celebrating the holiday.


I'm actually going to go pick up the Alice Walker book today- I've been looking for something new to read and I have free $ waiting for me at Borders. Thank you, Michelle.

Special said...

I googled pms and now i know i should be nicer too ladies. Even ones who can turn it on and off at will.

The Walking Man said...

"Special said...
I googled pms and now i know i should be nicer too ladies. Even ones who can turn it on and off at will."

Now special are you saying you should be nice TO ladies or you should be nicer,as well, ladies?

Or are you saying I am a bitch? Because i can turn it on and off at will...thus far since responding to these posts on this blog i have admmitted I am an asshole and a prick (not size wise) of un-imaginable proportions: BUT if you think you are back handing me or just too reticent to call me a bitch in writing then I know who my bitch is and it's one who won't say in plain english what they want to say.

It is good to have these dialogues and even the acrimony that runs with them because the walking man's first rule is:

1) Someone hands you a plate of shit..hand them the fork and see if they take the first bite if not..slide the whole plate back to the waiter because it wasn't the instruction I gave. Bitch.

Short bus said...

Michelle makes poo cakes, too.

Short bus said...

Is dialogue more than one poocake?

Special said...

Two poo cakes?

Fats Domino said...

I'm walkin' to New Orleans.

Larry the Cable Guy said...

I don't care who you are, "Bitch" is just not funny during the holiday season, especially when pickin' on one of them slow people. Get 'r' done!

Rosie O. said...

Hey, Walking Man, ever heard of a strap on? You sound like one. The second rule is that I'm going to put it so far up that it's going to bruise your tonsil area on the way out. Don't use that foul mouth during the holidays. Bitch.

Dick Van Dyke said...

Did the WM really say, "unimaginable proportions"? What a scream.

Dr. Herman Turnover said...

I've been told that mine is of unimaginable proportions.

Jean Harris said...

He was my first Jew. It was a very merry Christmas.

The Walking Man said...

What fucking holiday season are we reffering to? christmas through new years...fuck em. The season where we teach greed and forget need, run the plastic up until you are still payng for the christmas of 2003. Honnukah same shit different day?
Kwanza...to early to tell.
Ramadan..same shit different day.

You want seasonal from me i'll tell you what. It's too fucking cold outside and those guys at the end of the freeway ramps are freezing their asses off as you drive by because you gave to the red thieving cross or the stealing salvation army and those people down around fort street all the way out to nine mile road pushing thier shopping carts full of all that they own have no gloves and wet feet. Buy them a pack of socks and some fucking covers for their hands.
Ther's kids next door to you who won't get anything but new underwear for christmas while you get your little darlings an xbox or a wii.

Salve your conscience by going and serving meals at a soup kitchen, yeah baby that covers you for the year.

and cable guy if I meant bitch to be funny I would have said biatch

and rosie o...yeah i know what a strap on is but i doubt you have the balls to use it. And if you find my mouth foul because of the language i use then understand that i find the hypocrasy in this time of year to foul and obscene so fuck it. What difference does it make if i say things you don't like now or in june? Foul is a few f the things that i have named above and that is far from even a short list.

and Michelle didn't make me so if your implying I am a shit then guess what once again you are targeting the wrong person and fats...have a nice walk, just remember you will have already walked in my footsteps.

and dick van dyke...yes of unimaginable (not size wise) proportions so why do you want to fuck with some godamn person you have no clue about?

Mr. Peabody said...

I have more than six months of clues. And a meeting or two in the way back machine.

Jean Harris said...

I feel unscathed.

Dr. Herman Turnover said...

I feel with both hands, baby.