Tuesday, May 22, 2007
A Year On This Earth
For a few years after my first rape, I lived the secret life of dark circles and bloody fingernails, the days of panic attacks and singular obsession, that shopworn wish that things could return to before, a mystical land that had slipped beyond my grasp, something, as they say, I had never appreciated until it was gone. That was the season that birds were dropping by every window, diving into them, trying to tear through the storm window screens and deliver their messages of death. Every noise was anxiety and silence drove me into panic. For all my morbidity and sadness, I had never resided for so long in the land of dry bones and had almost no faith that it would be any other way again. So much in my life was normal, so much utterly bizarre. Did everyone have a public self and a private one that had no relation to each other? I started to search the past for signs and found them -- the two theater movies my rapist and I saw together were Fatal Attraction and The Accused. What can I say? In a small town, there's only one show. You don't get a choice.
Time makes so many things into a comedy. You swim away from the shore of something until it becomes smaller and smaller, and you are free except for the memories of the distant land that has become part of your language. But you are never free from yourself. For a few years, I wore a pair of rattlesnake rattles for earrings. They had come off two huge snakes, each rattle representing a year on this earth. Most snakes broke off some of their rattles through wear and tear, but these had stayed pristine. When I wore them, I'd shake my head every now and again to hear the noise. But sometimes my head would shake without me knowing it, and I would startle at the sound as if the danger was somewhere outside instead of coming from me.
Michelle's Spell of the Day
"The ambulance's ruby element can move among us without care." Denis Johnson
Drinking documentary suggestion: Capturing the Friedmans
Benedictions and Maledictions
Congratulations to my beloved Pistons for winning over the Cavaliers!