Sunday, May 20, 2007

One Bullet By My Bed


A friend of mine went on a first date with a woman he'd met on a website titled Cupid (perhaps one of the most evil words in the English language?) who asked him to unload her guns at the end of the night and put the bullets into Ziploc baggies. The baggies had Disney characters in Halloween costumes on them, leftovers from an attempt to make bags of treats for trick-or-treaters that braved her heavily armed House of Usher. I got too sad and couldn't finish, she said. As he took the bullets out of her three pistols, she said, You know that I'll find them eventually. And I always keep one bullet by my bed. My friend is an easygoing guy, but he didn't know what to say. So he took his leave from Ms. Suicide Hotline and cruised on out the door and into the night, an infinitely safer place than her well-appointed house.
She called him back, asking for another date. The crazy ones always do, and he decided to give it another shot since she was beautiful. He ordered a margarita to get the party started and she followed suit telling him that he'd have to watch her closely. I'm on so many anti-depressants that something is probably contraindicated. But a drink sounds so good! It did to him as well. I'm so glad that you went out with me after the gun thing, she said over potato skins. But I figure if someone won't come through for you on the first date, you might as well forget having a life with him. By the time they made it to the main course, he was eyeing the door in a desperate, hopeless way. He'd driven them there, you see, and he'd have to drive her back home, to a house filled with guns and Prozac with stray bullets hidden in places you wouldn't expect them to be. She'd said in her ad that she wasn't into games, that she wanted someone real. I have a bunny from childhood, she'd written. And I loved him so much that now he's real. He didn't recognize the plot from The Velveteen Bunny. Besides being a nut, she was a plagiarist. He found the bunny thing charming and cute, a way of standing out from the crowd. I didn't know it was true, he said. I saw her bunny after I took her to bed for the first and only time. He told me that it watched them from the corner and by the end of the night, he thought it was real as well.
Michelle's Spell of the Day
"The true feeling of sex is that of a deep intimacy, but above all of a deep complicity." James Dickey
Cocktail Hour
Drinking short story collection suggestion: The Angel on the Roof Russell Banks
Benedictions and Maledictions
Happy Sunday!

15 comments:

Cheri said...

I love this post! Ahh crazy people and the internet!

E-bag said...

excellent work, today. I would have asked her on a second date, too. You just got to try and empathize with her, you know? What happend in her hidden 90% of the iceberg to make her feel that way? Disney character baggies that hold your bullets--all except for one that lays by your bedside, in case of emergency? I feel bad for what happened to her in the first place, beneath the icy waves.

I don't do date websites mostly because they charge money, and one needs money to go on dates. So screw the middle man, my money's on shrimp or lobster or tacos or whatever. A hotel room for twenty bucks, after haggling with the dude at the desk and he gives in because it's 2:30am, instead of giving that twenty per month to someone you've never met, who says they have the perfect match for you.

I don't want a perfect match, unless I know the flame won't die if the wind blows too strong during the frequent storms of my experience. That would be a perfect match--at least too me.

Eric said...

...by the way, where's the little grouch at?

Yiou promised...

Jason said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charles Gramlich said...

Hum, that would have freaked me out so much the first time that I wouldn't have been back. Or, would I? Hmmm.

Jason said...

Too crazy to keep dating, but she wasn't too crazy to not sleep with.

serenity's big bro said...

thank god for all gaurdian angels like you, m. you are a special one.

Susan Miller said...

And this is why I stay inside with my doors locked. Good gosh! She really couldn't have been that beautiful.

TV Guide said...

Fourteen more days until the last day of the Sopranos!

Native Detroiter said...

Go Red Wings! Beat da Ducks!!

the walking man said...

Having been out of the dating thing for so long I probably have little of relevance to say. I had a short term g/f once a long time ago that was suicidal to the max if things didn't go just the way she wanted them to.

Me being who and what kind of person I ma probably drove her over the edge more than once but she'd always show up a my place at three in the morning, already having taken or saying she'd already taken the deadly cocktail.

I Immediately got her to throw up and not being a wimp looked and saw food and the other usual bile and crap that comes out of the stomach and put her to bed. I stayed up the rest of the night to check on her to make sure she was breathing and sleeping off her drunk.

One night though I saw pills come up half dissolved, I had a hard time walking her around, keeping her upright and slurring. I probably should have called the Operator (this was when 911 was just coming on line) but instead i called her Father, a man I had never met and fifteen minutes or so later he and a brother I never knew about showed up.

I think they were torn between trying me and getting her home or to the hospital. They took the wise road and loaded her into the Lincoln telling me never to see her again.

No problem there pal.

I did see her about a year later she had a job waitressing was sober and wanted to go out. I declined by simply saying something to the affect of I have enough insanity for two people and I'd just as soon date myself.

Mat Millen in a Wings Jersey said...

hey, everybody, get ready. There might be a new coach to fire in Detroit. Maybe now I'll finish that 10 year contract...

It's gonna happen. Mr. Ford loves my bedside manner.

Maybe I'll get fired in year nine.
If I'm good.

JR's Thumbprints said...

Ah yes, give it another shot. There are redeeming qualities in all of us.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Wow. How sad? That girl really needs help but guns and bullets would freak me out. Your friend is either very compassionate, brave or dumb to have tried twice.

Dan said...

The Veveteen Rabbit. Wow! that brings back memories. Great photo Michelle. You're very beautiful in it, as always.