A friend of mine went on a first date with a woman he'd met on a website titled Cupid (perhaps one of the most evil words in the English language?) who asked him to unload her guns at the end of the night and put the bullets into Ziploc baggies. The baggies had Disney characters in Halloween costumes on them, leftovers from an attempt to make bags of treats for trick-or-treaters that braved her heavily armed House of Usher. I got too sad and couldn't finish, she said. As he took the bullets out of her three pistols, she said, You know that I'll find them eventually. And I always keep one bullet by my bed. My friend is an easygoing guy, but he didn't know what to say. So he took his leave from Ms. Suicide Hotline and cruised on out the door and into the night, an infinitely safer place than her well-appointed house.
She called him back, asking for another date. The crazy ones always do, and he decided to give it another shot since she was beautiful. He ordered a margarita to get the party started and she followed suit telling him that he'd have to watch her closely. I'm on so many anti-depressants that something is probably contraindicated. But a drink sounds so good! It did to him as well. I'm so glad that you went out with me after the gun thing, she said over potato skins. But I figure if someone won't come through for you on the first date, you might as well forget having a life with him. By the time they made it to the main course, he was eyeing the door in a desperate, hopeless way. He'd driven them there, you see, and he'd have to drive her back home, to a house filled with guns and Prozac with stray bullets hidden in places you wouldn't expect them to be. She'd said in her ad that she wasn't into games, that she wanted someone real. I have a bunny from childhood, she'd written. And I loved him so much that now he's real. He didn't recognize the plot from The Velveteen Bunny. Besides being a nut, she was a plagiarist. He found the bunny thing charming and cute, a way of standing out from the crowd. I didn't know it was true, he said. I saw her bunny after I took her to bed for the first and only time. He told me that it watched them from the corner and by the end of the night, he thought it was real as well.
Michelle's Spell of the Day
"The true feeling of sex is that of a deep intimacy, but above all of a deep complicity." James Dickey
Drinking short story collection suggestion: The Angel on the Roof Russell Banks
Benedictions and Maledictions