When my spirit is in shadow and my thoughts turn to my internal darkness, massive shortcomings, and hopeless weaknesses, I try to dwell in past glories such as my award of two dinky girl scout badges (reading and firebuilding -- these were all I really needed because it covered the ground -- studious and destructive)or future hope, like someone will give me Pistons tickets for the game tonight and I will be transported to Chicago in a limo containing many bottles of champagne, city of broad shoulders or little cat feet or something like that, and I will sit in the stands and drink overpriced beer and the glorious ballet that is basketball will go on in front of me and even though I will surely die, it will not be in that beautiful setting surrounded by people engaged in a simulation of warriors of old. Worry will drop away like a sweater that always itched, and time will stop.
I always hated being young when I was, drawn to the battle-scarred and damaged. Always hated the bullshit of enjoying the sunny day that is your youth. Was already afraid by then, hoping to escape. But the only way out is through. My mother's lover's wife once told me that to get something out of your eye, you have to be patient, pull the lid down and let it work itself out. Anything else you did would make it worse. I still have the delicate green and silver fish she gave me, a charm for a bracelet or necklace. It looks one way in the sun and another way when inside. It glints against my skin when I chose to wear it, like something from far below the sea that you only glimpse in passing and you don't know whether to be horrified and transfixed and so you are both.
Michelle's Spell of the Day
"If I raise my arms in the blind dark/why can't you hoist me up?" Mary Karr
Drinking accroutement suggestion: The Lewis bag for martinis - it's an old-fashioned bag and tiny bat to beat your ice to small pieces before putting it in the shaker. It makes a huge difference in the drinks!
Benedictions and Maledictions
Congratulations to Jim of JR's Thumbprints (www.jrtomlinson.blogspot.com) for finishing one year of blog tomorrow! Jim has made some veiled threats about quitting, but not before posting videos tomorrow of him performing in an eighties rock and roll band. I'm thinking that we will check it out if we know what is good for us. Good luck, Jim!