Friday, March 09, 2007

Love Is Salvation

The first time I went to a Unitarian church, I received a sticker that said Love Is Salvation which I was instructed to put on my dress. I attended the service with the man who would eventually rape me, his father, and stepmother. As a child steeped in both a mystical and traditional background (seances and the Blood of Christ could coexist in my family's house), I found it oddly bland. There were no snakes, no crazy rules about not cutting your hair, not even any crucifixes. A good gory crucifix comes in handy at the oddest times -- my friend Hank taught the last years of his life at a Jesuit college and would frequently turn to our crucified Lord when the students weren't getting it and say, See what I have to put up with? The service lasted a long time and everyone hugged each other at the end. I can barely endure a mumbled "peace be with you" and a quick handshake so this didn't set well with me. I threw my Love Is Salvation sticker away as soon as I could. Running around with that on was almost as humiliating as the time I had to ride in a mini-van covered with pro-life bumper stickers to a KFC buffet that my preacher and his wife had decided to treat my then-husband and I to since they had a two for one coupon. I love KFC, but that ride in the van nearly killed me. I hung my head getting out, as if I were in handcuffs and an orange jumpsuit.

My second experience with the Unitarians was far better. I went to Easter services with my disseration director. When asked what we were thankful for, a man that went by the name of Stinky Dick raised his hand. Stinky Dick was actually Richard, a history professor who had lost his mind and his job and any committment to personal hygiene. He wandered Frye Street, the biggest drug mecca in all of my old college town, and yelled crazy-ass shit to people, imploring women to come back to his apartment because he had air-conditioning. "I slept with this beautiful girl from Minnesota about a year ago. She was the best sex I ever had. I just want to thank God for this precious gift." Stinky Dick looked teary. "I mean, eighteen years old. Damn. I may never get that again." It was one of the most sincere praise items I'd ever heard. The room fell silent. I thought back to that Love Is Salvation sticker from so many years ago. Maybe I'd ripped it off a little too fast. Finally someone said, That's great, Richard. Praise God. Anyone else have something to be thankful for? But his testimony is the only one I remember.

Michelle's Spell of the Day
"If you're not ready to die for it, take the word "freedom" out of your vocabulary." Malcolm X
Cocktail Hour
Drinking music suggestion: When The Lights Go Out The Black Keys
Benedictions and Maledictions
Happy Friday! Thanks for all the great comments on seduction yesterday, dear readers!
31 days until The Sopranos airs!


Borat said...

Your religion happenings much more goog then me are. But I have the tongue peoples laying it on me with the God man in my face. Many blessings to you in the photo with the rose and Grouchie man not eating your pussy.

Rev. Jeremy Bentham said...

The Unitarians are the modern, evolved sect of the Utilitarians.

Archbishop Adam Midol said...

Dear Michelle,
I would like to take this opportunity to compliment you on the insightful ecumenism of your religious-based posts. They are filled with life-affirming humanity and provocative insights. I am a great fan of your Spells. Keep up the good work!

the walking man said...

I am sitting here in my usual place in my usual spot and i am watching a little boy of about 4 sitting on the wooden floor and using the bottom of his tennis shoes to pull himself around the room.

His father, just immagrated from Albania, speaks no English and the boy speaks just a bit but watching him bounce around the room, now he is sitting and drawing pictures with crayons and running his drawings to different peole he recognizes, while dad drinks his tiny espresso and large water and no one looking strangely at either of them, is about all of the church I need. And if I thought the tape would hold I would proudly wear my picture on my leather vest.

Godwin Lloyd-Jons said...

Excellent protryal of Stinky Dick, Michelle. As you know, he and I are carousing buddies. We loved sharing Sally, especially when she was pregnant.

the walking man said...

If your not ready to die for it then take the word "freedom" out of your vocabulary...Malcom X

I just thought it needed repeating

Charles Gramlich said...

I guess Stinky knew what the important things in life were. Perhaps he should still be teaching, say in a philosophy department.

Moolah al-Moolah said...

That Malcolm X line is the one I always tell my Jihadists in training--the real hard-core sucicide bombers. They'll get all the virgins! Allah Akbar!

JR's Thumbprints said...

I'd have to say Stinky Dick had more credibility than most church goers I know--and I don't know many. I'm not much for organized religion, but those who know me, know that I'm willing to help out those in need.

Harold Ostrich said...

Today's Spell marks the second time I've read about you being raped, Michelle. You must be one tough cookie. I really don't have the guts to ask how many times you've been raped. Nor do I really want to know.