Years ago, I spent not an inconsiderable amount of time returning a Snackster at K-Mart. For those who do not know, this is a magic device that makes sandwiches into toasted sandwiches. I am sad to say that this is the extent of my cooking expertise. For my ill-fated wedding shower, I had received two of these bad boys. Of course, I always pick the wrong line in any and every situation, the last example of this being the time I stood behind someone at Target who paid for a DVD player in one dollar bills. Two hundred and thirty one dollar bills to be exact, that kept having to be counted and recounted. Been working the pole, the clerk said to the woman. Fuck you and count, she said. I can pay in pennies if I want. Dear God, I thought she just might out of spite so I prayed. She got her player, and I nearly had shin splints by the time it was my turn.
With the Snackster return, things went south pretty fast. The woman in front of me was holding a piece of lingerie from the Jacqulyn Smith line, an emerald green teddy. She did not have a receipt, nor were the tags on it. It looked rag-ass and worn and if I needed further proof, the clerk pulled a used sanitary napkin out of the crotch. You mean to tell me you've never worn this? the clerk said, brandishing the offending item. Do I look like the kind of woman who could wear a sluttish teddy? The returner lifted up her shirt to reveal a map of stretch marks on her stomach. There's more, she said, in places I can't show you. I felt the full weight of the Snackster resting on my stomach as I shifted from hip to hip, trying not to watch. Fine, the clerk said, and gave her the money. She handed it over with the sanitary napkin. Anything else? the clerk asked. But there wasn't, only me, the next in line.
Michelle's Spell of the Day
"What are you drinking? You know me. Whatever is cheap or free. " Jennifer Jason Leigh, Georgia
Drinking movie suggestion: Georgia
Benedictions and Maledictions
52 Days until The Sopranos airs!