Friday, February 16, 2007

Places I Can't Show You

Years ago, I spent not an inconsiderable amount of time returning a Snackster at K-Mart. For those who do not know, this is a magic device that makes sandwiches into toasted sandwiches. I am sad to say that this is the extent of my cooking expertise. For my ill-fated wedding shower, I had received two of these bad boys. Of course, I always pick the wrong line in any and every situation, the last example of this being the time I stood behind someone at Target who paid for a DVD player in one dollar bills. Two hundred and thirty one dollar bills to be exact, that kept having to be counted and recounted. Been working the pole, the clerk said to the woman. Fuck you and count, she said. I can pay in pennies if I want. Dear God, I thought she just might out of spite so I prayed. She got her player, and I nearly had shin splints by the time it was my turn.
With the Snackster return, things went south pretty fast. The woman in front of me was holding a piece of lingerie from the Jacqulyn Smith line, an emerald green teddy. She did not have a receipt, nor were the tags on it. It looked rag-ass and worn and if I needed further proof, the clerk pulled a used sanitary napkin out of the crotch. You mean to tell me you've never worn this? the clerk said, brandishing the offending item. Do I look like the kind of woman who could wear a sluttish teddy? The returner lifted up her shirt to reveal a map of stretch marks on her stomach. There's more, she said, in places I can't show you. I felt the full weight of the Snackster resting on my stomach as I shifted from hip to hip, trying not to watch. Fine, the clerk said, and gave her the money. She handed it over with the sanitary napkin. Anything else? the clerk asked. But there wasn't, only me, the next in line.
Michelle's Spell of the Day
"What are you drinking? You know me. Whatever is cheap or free. " Jennifer Jason Leigh, Georgia
Cocktail Hour
Drinking movie suggestion: Georgia
Benedictions and Maledictions
Happy Friday!
52 Days until The Sopranos airs!


Kyle Updike said...

I injured my back while working the night stock shift at Krogers. I got a Jacqulyn Smith line girdle (the one with all those countless little hooks that match up with the countless little eyes on the other side)at K-Mart and it's still in use after all these years. No more lower back pain. And no danger of returning it with a tampon.

D. Letterman said...

Really nice photo, Michelle. But whenever you raise your eyes like you're doing in this photo, I can't help wondering if it's something I said.

Thomas Williams said...

That's a very pretty dress, Michelle. Lavender has always been one of my favorite colors. When I would ride the street cars in New Orleans and a girl came on with that color of dress it would always get my attention.

Charles Gramlich said...

I had to laugh at "been working the pole?" It never would have occurred to me that the woman might have been a stripper. As for the other woman, I thought I met weird people in my line of work. You seem to stumble upon them everywhere.

Charles Bukowski said...

I love pole women.

Professor Irwin Corey said...

Ironically, the vertical, untotemic pole symbolizes the inherent creativity of the myth of the eternal return, i.e., viz. Ernest Cassirer's "The Philosophy of Symbolic Forms, Vol. II. Thank you.

the walking man said...

If you ever need to return anything again take my old lady with you, she has the art of get the show on the road down to a science.

To the teller with the mouth she would have said something like "What's the matter you never learned to count in groups of ten because your paycheck doesn't go that high, you should be able to count ten 23 times?"

In retail the clerks primary responsibility is to protect the company's asset not the customers ass so she would have said "Hey you, the one with a belly that looks like an atlas of Las Angeles, Just because you think you're a size 3 reality shows you to be more like a twenty three, drop them drawers lady and, you return clerk get the tape out and measure the stretched out leg holes and compare and on top of that lady,that is disgusting as hell leaving your used kotex in a piece of clothing you think other people are going to wear, what the fuck you need crack? Go get a DNA test on that filthy thing you are now spreading the germs with and when you prove it isn't yours then come back, stupid."

And she would have said all of this from the end of the line where as i would have simply said;
"Jesus lady what size napkin is that i swear i've never seen one that huge!"

My wife has gotten the art of the line moving so next time you want to return something borrow her for a bit and I gaurantee you will be back in your car in ten minutes or less and that includes the walk from the car to the store.

Better than sufferring in silence I say. Of course you already know that about me, just now you know who i learned it from.

Paul said...


Susan Miller said...

Insane! I hate returning things and would much rather regift than attempt the return. Have a great Friday, Michelle!

Nikki said...

Hi...did Ashley ever email you? there was a bizarre post on her blog and then she dissapeared...I'm just worried.

Jason said...

Take the quiz and let us know just how Texan you are...?

Jason said...

She gave her the money? AGH! AAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Anonymous said...

I Love women who love the pole

JR's Thumbprints said...

It seems as if I've been doing plenty of standing-in-line lately, always aware of the invisibile fence .