Monday, June 28, 2010

All Those Wicked Birds

When my sister doesn't understand something, she says, "I can't famine it." I love this malapropism, along with her latest one. When she threw out some spoiled shrimp from Wal-Mart for the garbage to pick up, she called and said, "The vultures have transcended on the yard." A guy was at the house, cleaning the carpets and said he had never seen anything quite like it, all those wicked birds! He also picked up a floor lamp which disintegrated in his hands. Again, nothing quite like it in all his years of carpet cleaning. I remember Mother picking out that lamp, circa 1983. The surprise was not that it pooled into a puff of dust, but that it had stood that long, costing all of eight dollars.

Years ago, I remember Mother taking me, Beth, and our great-grandmother for a picnic by the Brazos River. She bought KFC and forgot the forks, so distraught was she over her latest affair, a few year debacle with her boss. Both of them married, she had been serious whereas he had not. She brought her love letters they had exchanged and stood on a big scary rock by the river while weeping and tossing the letters into the river. I came up with the idea that we could use our drumsticks to eat the mashed potatoes. Beth didn't want to do this because of the grease, but Mother proclaimed it genius. "You do what you have to do," she said, scaring us all with her proximity to a fall. My great-grandmother sat quietly, her bunioned foot up on a bench, a scarf tied around her face like Doris Day. "The moon is so bright," she said. I got nervous, despite my quick thinking with the drumsticks. None of us could drive if something happened to Mother. We got home late, greasy and tired. Even now, I can't quite famine it.

Michelle's Spell of the Day
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." Ashleigh Brilliant

Cocktail Hour
Hung was genius, just as I had hoped! Will write a review later this week. Feeling that Entourage is very very tired. The problems are recycled, the boys are still not men. I hate to say this about what used to be a favorite, but truly a yawn.

Benedictions and Maledictions
Happy Monday!


chris said...

That's my kind of photo ! You leggy militant.

jodi said...

Hello Dolly! Up north those little 'slips' are so the norm. Cracks me up! I forgot about Asheligh Brilliant cartoons. Love the pic! You make military sexy...xo

Anonymous said...


Your mother is dead? You talk a lot about her. My mother has just died this night.

By the way here is an amazing statement from a jewish woman:

the walking man said...

Using the fingers for the spuds would have added clarity to the slogan "finger licking good"--two good things about hot dogs slathered in chili is that they are not KFC and they are still considered finger food.

Anonymous--may your mother have found her peace and may she sleep comfortably in the realm of her ancestors.

Heff said...

Your sister's malapropism was unacceptable, and you should've corrected that RIGHT FROM THE GECKO !


Heff said...

Hey ! The Walking Man !

Lana Gramlich said...

I got Charles into a Canadian show, "Trailer Park Boys," in which one character's fairly uneducated & makes those kinds of malapropisms all the time, sometimes with hysterical results. His name is "Ricky" & his errors are commonly known as "Rickyisms." I present a small sampling of them for your enjoyment.