Monday, February 09, 2009

Happy Endings

There's a dude named Norm that I sort of know through a friend of a friend. Norm doesn't have any teeth and the day before his father's funeral, he left his dentures at a diner where he was weeping for his dad, left them in a napkin. Of course, the dentures got thrown away with all the other trash around the plate and Norm dug through the dumpster later that night. He never did find his teeth so he had to go to the funeral with no teeth in his head, as they say in Texas. And he still owed money on his teeth; he'd bought them on time and still had many months of paying for the lost ones with no hope of getting new ones made.

This is some sad shit, make no mistake. But it's not the end of the story. I learn that Norm has chronic back trouble for which he gets a monthly supply of oxycontin. Instead of taking them as prescribed, he saves them up and he and his wife take all of them over the course of a weekend where they hole up in their trailer, the kind of party where you don't invite anyone. So he stumbles about the rest of the month, back aching, no teeth, and well, he visits a "massage" parlor (you know the kind) where happy endings are the order of the day and he gets robbed leaving the place. This is my material for today. I ask you, dear reader, where would you begin and why?

Michelle's Spell of the Day
"What I believe does not matter. There either is a God or there is not. It has nothing to do with my faith, which is that there is a God and God really does love everybody, including people that don't believe there is a God. " Steve Earle

Cocktail Hour
Drinking memoir suggestion: Moments of Clarity Christopher Kennedy Lawford

Benedictions and Maledictions
Happy Monday! Thanks for the kind comments about the video -- I'll be doing a Friday drink recipe every week for as long as I can think of drinks. Especially this Friday, Friday the 13th -- right before the wicked Valentine's Day!


Lana Gramlich said...

Jesus H. Christ. Stories like this make me happy for my current circumstances, of course!

Anonymous said...

I've been robbed in many a massage parlor. Once in a while I'd get lucky and get one with legs like yours, if you know what I mean.--Rodney Dangerfield

Peggy the Chalet Maid said...

Hi de hi, Campers!
Welcome to Maplin's. Don your deelybops and join us for a cuppa and some Oxycontin in the Typhoon Room. Ooooooh, who slapped your tits?

jodi said...

Hiya Hon, Poor Normie deserves a happy ending any way he can get it! Bet Steve Earle could do a few quotes on the drinky drink! xoxo

the walking man said...

I'd start at the end. Norm, toothless, and happy smiling as he gets to the parking lot where his destiny leads him to his ending...

Flash back

In the massage parlor erect and being rushed to the happy ending

Flash back

Him and his old lady in the trailer splitting a handful of Oxy's which makes the previous scene all the more incredible because one would wonder how he got the erection on a bunch of Oxy's.

Flash back

Norm at the doc's getting a refill on his scrip

flash back

Toothless norm at his pappy's funeral

flash back

Norm getting the monthly bill for his lost teeth

flash back

Norm in the dumpster searching

flash back

Norm taking his teeth out and weeping in the diner booth

flash back

Norm happy and trying to figure out is he has six degrees of separation between himself and Kevin Bacon

flash back

The Earle quote.

of course the devil is in the details; as it always is eh?

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Start with him in the dumpster. Isn't that where we look for the valuable stuff we lose or throw away? What else is he looking for besides his teeth? Great story.

Charles Gramlich said...

The diner where he loses his teeth might be a good place to start. I'm wondering, if he's eating, why did he take the teeth out? What moment and for what reason did he remove his teeth.

I'm feeling pretty bad for this guy.

The Professor said...

Am I allowed to play with the story at all, add details to this tale? If so, I would start with the happy ending, and then have him driving home.

While driving home, he is flashing back as he passes where each of the events in the chain occurred. When he arrives home, he walks into the bathroom of his trailer where we see a pair of dentures soaking in a glass. As he picks up the glass, we see a flashback to Norm at the funeral home. We see him by himself next to the casket. The room is empty, the others have left along with the funeral director to allow Norm to pay last respects. Norm is looking down at his father's face, and sees a glint of his father's false teeth through the incomplete closure of the mouth sutures. Norm looks around, acts, then closes the casket. Flash to present and Norm is smiling at himself in the mirror and then walks out.

Why, because life makes a guy like Norm pragmatic. A guy that is prone to streaks of misfortune like that becomes very practical over time. Look at his behavior with his meds. He could get, maybe, some small amount of relief if he took them as prescribed; but Norm knows that if he takes them in high dose for a few days once a month it will let him feel good, maybe even sleep. For a weekend, he'll be in nirvana. Any person who can show that kind of restraint given the addictive nature of codeine is a practical man.

Scott said...


Man, poor Norm. I don't know where to start.

Once again, as always, nice pic...I like the way your hair's red highlights show...oh, and your legs aren't bad either. :)

justin said...

pretty messed up story but a good read nonetheless......i knew a guy who broke in to a massage parlor, stole their TV and shit on the floor, Jesus!!!!