Wednesday, January 02, 2008
If You Can't See My Mirrors, I Can't See You
My first car was a 1978 champagne-colored Ford Granada and the whole thing could be described as a traveling blind spot, one of those big boats that I navigated down the road with the ease of an army tank. I got stopped twice for drunk driving -- sadly, this was before I had even started drinking. Both cops were aghast that someone could drive so poorly sober. I confess that I didn't have much ease in my social interactions either, blind spots abounding. Like damn near everyone, I saw things through the scrim of my own needs and insecurities. The two-way mirror proved just as faulty. People saw me as a studious good girl despite the fact that my primary romantic relationships had been with men literally twice my age.
Reputation is a hard thing to shake. I tried acting out in every way possible, but to no avail. You won the Bible Bowl last year, didn't you? someone would comment about my ill-fated run in this teenage version of Bible Trivial Pursuit. Who wrote the letter to the Corinthians? was my winning question. Thomas Merton it wasn't. We Bible Bowlers traveled late into the night in a mini-van plastered with pro-life stickers. I'd slink out of it as if I'd been on a five day crack binge. By then, my politics were at odds with my religion, a position I would eventually accept despite everyone telling me that I couldn't have it both ways. I'm no angel, I would say. But sometimes I wanted to be good, just not in the way that made people comfortable. Now I've settled for knowing myself to be both at the same time, having it both ways and while it costs a lot, it's well worth it.
Michelle's Spell of the Day
"You are made in the image of what you desire." Thomas Merton
Drinking music suggestion: Blonde on Blonde Bob Dylan
Benedictions and Maledictions