Sunday, April 08, 2007

What I Will Not Say

When you give something up for forty days as with a Lenten promise, you often find that the thing no longer holds you in its sway anymore. I gave something up this year, what I will not say, and now I have rid myself of a considerable amount of grief in the process. There are, however, things that I could never rid myself of and one of them is food. I have friends who go on long fasts (nothing but lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for twelve to twenty days), and I am mystified by their self-control. I would stab myself with a fork at the prospect of not eating for so long.
Once when I hadn't eaten all day, I ordered a portabello sandwich. I didn't understand that it didn't have any meat on it whatsoever, that it was just a big mushroom and some grilled onions. I couldn't comprehend a world in which something like that would be considered a meal! (It's the Texas in me, I know.) It was at a retirement party, and the service took forever. A feeling of deep despair overtook me as I saw a giant mushroom set in front of me by a surly waiter who would not be bringing anything else to the table. A friend sitting next to me said, "That was the only time I saw you in misery." Of course, I've been good friends with misery for a long time, but at the sight of more not eating that day, I could have cried. I didn't, of course. I ate the bread with a grim expression on my face, forcing down each bite. Sometimes what you choose for yourself is the very worst thing, and I couldn't have been happier when my plate was taken from me.
Michelle's Spell of the Day
"When you can stop, you don't want to. When you want to, you can't." Candy
Cocktail Hour
Drinking movie suggestion: Candy (This one is a heartbreaker.)
Benedictions and Maledictions
Happy Easter, dear readers! Thank you for all your wonderful comments this week. As for a direction for the coming year, I'll defer to the great Billy Bob Thornton. In the movie U-Turn, he plays an auto mechanic negotiating with Sean Penn over how much it will take to fix Sean's car. Sean offers him his watch, an expensive one without any numbers and Billy Bob replies, "No numbers, no doo-dads, no nothing? I think I'll stick with what I've got." Which is to say that I can't think of anything else but what I've been doing. Thanks for sticking with me, friends!
The Sopranos are finally here! This is better than Christmas morning! If anyone calls me between the hours of 9-10:30pm, he or she will be pistol-whipped. Not to put to fine a point on it.


JR's Thumbprints said...

The only misery I keep (let's exlude my students) takes place in my basement office while I think of what to write next. Happy Easter, Michelle.

Melvis Preselly said...

Happy Easter, Michelle!
I once ordered the same dang portabello burger at Shores in. Mushroom and beef sounded great, what I got was basically a brown dripping mud pie on two pieces of bread.

Metaphorically, I've ordered myself up quite a few foul tasting/looking shroom burgers. Just don't sleep with that portabello burger and you'll do just fine.

Cheri said...

Happy Easter!

Tim said...

Happy Easter Michelle!
I've found too, that when you give something up for forty days, at the end of that time you find that you aren't craving it as much as you thought you'd be.

Hope you have a great day!!

the walking man said...

Hey i wanted you to come see me tonight at 9pm because I am weak, injured and immobile and well i guess the TV show will take precedence, although that is one thing that I have never been through is a pistol whipping.

Now by God that would be a new path of Zen, c'mon by the house say 845 pm and bring the gun and you get whip me, neck brace and all and bring your foul mood too for missing some TV show about opera singers. Because i only have the basic package and no HBO

I was visiting the perennial college student once and went to one of those no fucking smoking dufus restaurants and ordered that same portabello fungi sandwich, thinking it would be a burger with fungi aplenty. Instead it was all fungi and no burger. I ate it and will always remember it as the worst shit I'd ever had eaten; except for the shit sandwiches my former employer always tried to get me to eat, but I never even tasted those so I can't say if they would have been better or worse than the portabello.

c'mon tell us what did you give up for lent, it was the walking man wasn't it huh...huh, c'mon you can tell us we're your readers and fans. If you can't tell us you can't tell anybody. Or keep your secrets we really didn't want to know anyway.

Oh I have never given up food for any reason but I am back on the caffeine and nicotine diet mixed with drugs aplenty and I tell you that is better than opera singers and fungi sandwiches.

peace and have an epiphany of an experience while watching your television show as it is resurrected for it's final season.

oh yeah leave your phone on and don't answer it as I start to call incessantly at 9pm just to be a pain in the ass and have a happy easter for myself.

WHATEVER you choose to do for the coming year TWM is behind you, my little of stature but big of heart and spirit friend.

paul said...


Charles Gramlich said...

I agree, a mushroom sandwich is not a sandwich. It's a fungus.