Sunday, April 22, 2007

Maybe It's A Secret

I'm at the gym on the treadmill, moving as slowly as I can and still be considered moving, and I'm flipping through an In Style magazine (it was either that or Men's Fitness and while I adore men, I do not care about their fitness in any way, shape, or form unless they are strolling down the streets of metro Detroit, not wearing a shirt and I won't name names, but I call these men violators because they are offending the laws of good taste -- take my word on this one -- nobody walks down the street shirtless who you'd like to see walk down the street shirtless). In Style, like most fashion magazines, is composed almost exclusively of ads of things you can't afford and makes you covet looking ways that you will never look -- to note, some women have pieces of their bones removed to fit into expensive designer shoes (this is not urban myth, but an actual surgery where toes are shrunk through extracting the bone -- delight upon delight, yes? Cinderalla's ugly sisters anyone?) So I'm "reading" and puffing and huffing and see a three page ad for Tiffany rings. Unlike a lot of women I know, Tiffany and their blue little boxes don't do anything for me. I love jewelry, but Tiffany has always struck me as a bit generic. So I'm looking at the captions. One picture shows an attractive couple in an embrace (Maybe it's an anniversary!), next page -- beautiful baby, unnaturally thin beautiful teenager as mother, gorgeous father (Maybe it's a new baby! -- as opposed to all those old dreary babies), and the next page showed a woman lying on a bed alone (Maybe it's a secret!).
All righty! The woman looked as if she were living the life someone else was financing. So the line is Maybe your mistress is pissed as all hell and you'd better get her something nice for all those holidays she spends alone. Maybe you're a full-blown whackadoodle with an imaginary girlfriend that you buy real jewelry for. Maybe your family hates her, maybe she's married. The scenarios for this fun little ad campaign are endless. In Bird, the woman who plays Charlie Parker's soon-to-be wife tells Charlie Parker (played by the brilliant Forest Whitaker) that there are a lot of women claiming to be Mrs. Charlie Parker. "Rings are cheap," he says, by way of explanation. Now there's an ad campaign I could get behind. But alas, in the world of jewelry as with everything else, we sometimes need it gift-wrapped in a little blue box that tells you exactly what you're getting even if it really doesn't.
Michelle's Spell of the Day
"For the world is the world . . . And it writes no histories that end in love." Stephen Spender
Cocktail Hour
Drinking movie suggestion: Bird
Benedictions and Maledictions
Happy Sunday! Enjoy The Sopranos tonight!


Charles Gramlich said...

Pieces of bone removed to fit designer shoes? I wonder if these women would consider Chinese foot binding to be barbaric?

Cardinal Spellman said...

Something tells me Stephen Spender wasn't an orthodox Catholic.

Tony Soprano said...

Now that I know Christopher disrespected me in his "Cleaver" movie, I'm having second thoughts about his relationship with my real estate agent/former girlfriend, Julianna Skiff. Maybe I'll visit Dr. Melfi to sort this stuff out upstairs, so to speak. Unfortunately, the Red Wings and Calgary are on at the same time as the Sopranos tonight, but I've got "On Demand." I hope you enjoy the show.
Yours, Tony

Garry Moore said...

I've got a secret!

Jonny Rivers said...

Secret agent man, they've given you a number and taken way your name.

Victoria Pasecret said...

Shut the door, darling.

Anais Nin said...

Everyone told me their secrets.

Groucho said...

Say the secret word and win a prize!

Marcel Proust said...

Record Michelle's secrets carefully, Grouchie. You can use them later in a book. It will be a best seller.

Dick Van Dyke said...

It's not a secret that charades are good clean fun, even without guns. But I like guns, and I quote that opening song to the Sopranos--"Woke up this morning, got myself a gun..."--to myself mentally almost all the time, especially when I'm outside doing yard work, with my headphones on.

the walking man said...

Every time I open a gift box blue or not , those spring loaded multi colored snakelike things jump out.

paul said...


JR's Thumbprints said...

Back in my chauffeuring days, I actually met an old Chinese woman who had the smallest feet I've ever seen. Must've been bound. Had to be. And trust me, just like those shirtless guys walking the streets, she wasn't a beauty.

The Sign said...

...that the end of the world is nigh, because people are incredibly ________.

No Shirts, No Shoes, No Service.


Please Lock Door Behind You

Ladies Please Lock Door Behind You After Dark

Drive Offs Don't Drive in Michigan

Think it's dry this year? Wait until next year.

Correctional Facility. Do Not Pick Up Hitch Hikers

Street under close circuit surveillance. Solicitation Prohibited by Law

Right Lane Merge Left

Long haired freaky people need not apply.

Don't Mess With Texas

Attencion: Piso Mojado

If you can read this sign, then a sensor has alerted an employee that this area is about to be used as a restroom. Please leave immediately.

No Loitering

All "Fire Millen" Signs Will Be Confiscated At Front Gate
(ed. note--yeah, right...)

Parking For Detroit Pistons Only

This space available

Free Leonard Peltier

One used tire $4 obo

Closed on the Day of the Lord.


Some white dude said...

Sorry. Inspired by the idea of bad shirtlessness--and ways to prevent it, maybe a sign, perhaps.

Funny stuff tonight, m. Wish I was too.

Susan Miller said...

I've stayed away from these magazines for a while now, and jewelry has just never been my thing. Thus, I enjoy your humor and stories about the ads much more than I would enjoy the photographs or captions. And oh, how we could go on and on about the things even very young women do in the name of outward beauty, but then it's just so ancient an issue that some of us are just over it.

rush said...

i had a secret. just me and my docs. then that ***** prosecuter outed me.