No rose without thorns, but many a thorn without rose. Schopenhauer said that, I think, something I picked up in my Psychology of Ethics class, a tough course taught by a man dying of AIDS. I loved the class; the professor, a brilliant man, hated it given that no student would talk except me. I could feel his frustration all during the semester which he gave voice to on the last day. "You have been the worst fucking class ever. Getting you to do anything is like milking a rat. Except for the girl with the long black hair." The other students looked at me with a mild hatred, the goody-two shoes once again, a role that I would grow to loathe. Once a friend of mine called me "homely." When I took offense, he said, "But you do like to stay home. You're not wild and crazy." Giving him the definition of homely would have merely proved his point. I did, at times, spend my days copying the dictionary. I'd like to use the fact that Malcolm X did this as well as some kind of cool credential, but alas, he was in prison at the time and well, I was in Mineral Wells, Texas and could have done other things like gotten tanked up on Quaaludes and gone to Possum Kingdom Lake.
But as with all things, there was a turning point. I became less enchanted with the scant rewards for being nice, studious, quiet. I suppose we all get sick of the traps we create for ourselves and long for something new. Started to feel like an actor who had outgrown a solid, but confining role. So I changed, got a few more thorns. Some of them hurt others; most hurt me. My old professor died a few years after our horrible class; he probably wouldn't recognize me now. But maybe he would. I remember much of what he said, all that ethics and morality and our dim persistence in face of the eventual bleak outcome. And our essence doesn't change all that much no matter what we do. And I still have long reddish black hair even after all these years even if I have to dye it.
Michelle's Spell of the Day
"There's a bit of magic in everything, and some loss to even things out." Lou Reed
Cocktail HourDrinking music suggestion: Show Me Your Tears Frank Black and the Catholics
Benedictions and Maledictions