Wednesday, June 27, 2007

More Blue Velvet Than Blue Violets

My parents were not prudes, but one of the most mortifying moments of my life came in the form of watching the movie Rush with them. Don't get me wrong -- it's a great movie. What's not to love about a movie where the badass Greg Allman plays a drug dealer in his evil scary way, hair down to his shoulders, mean as my Grandpa Charlie coming off a three day bender? Well, there was one particuarly inventive graphic sex scene between the main characters that seemed to last forever and my mother kept saying, What's he doing to her, Michelle? Despite having skin the color of cocaine, I seldom blush and those who have seen it have seen something akin to Haley's comet in frequency. But I blushed then and wished like hell they'd go back to a graphic drug scene or someone getting beaten to move us along. The other time that things really went to pot in this way was when they had accidentally rented Blue Velvet instead of Blue Violets, a sweet romantic comedy involving sailing. So important to read the box, yes?
My parents never discussed sex with me, thank the Lord, and my "sex talk" consisted of some vague ramblings about matters of reputation and once when I was going to the mall in Ft. Worth with a friend asking if I "had anything with me." Like what? My mother blushed at this point, said something about protection starting with a "c" and I realized she thought we might be having sex. My friend was gay, albeit closeted if dying a yellow streak in your jet black hair and listening to nothing but Berlin and Depeche Mode could be considered closeted, and even I knew that sex was as likely as a hot air balloon ride that afternoon. We were going to the mall where he'd buy my birthday present, a copy of Stephen King's Eyes Of A Dragon, with a brilliant cover the color of a green midori cocktail. I had to laugh at my mother's assumption about the afternoon. There would be other outings with other people that were a lot more Blue Velvet than Blue Violets, but for that afternoon, the scariest choice I had to make was what to order at the Catfish King. There were a lot of choices on the menu, but they all were made of the same thing, a food that could be served up more ways than I'd ever imagined.
Michelle's Spell of the Day
"Sex is hardly ever just about sex." Shirley MacLaine
Cocktail Hour
Drinking movie suggestion: Chloe In The Afternoon
Benedictions and Maledictions
Happy Wednesday!


eric313 said...

Exactly about the assumptions. It is sad and yet funny how we all seem to live in other people's eyes. Ironic, even. People assume any kind of closeness or intmacy, even a small thing like saying hello or smiling to somebody, means that sex must be simmering right below the surface. And why do people assume such things? Because it's simply what happens to be on everybody's mind.

I've seen Haley's commet a few times. And Shirley MacLean's quote is an great reminder of the possesive side of sexual relations. Another fine post.

Take care

paul said...


Anonymous said...
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campus police said...

You'll be the guy walking around like he's cockless, right?

Just kidding. We know who you are.

the walking man said...

Goddamn I knew I was weird and out of touch because sex is usually the last thing on my mind, or whats left of my mind.

My parents, both bright educated people never, in the way of all Catholic parents really never talked about sex, I think I was 20 or so before I realized what that early morning thumping was coming from below the room I stayed in. Just not to bright I guess but they at least still liked it in their late fifties.

In the way of TWM my sex talk with the step son was three boxes of Trojans in a brown paper bag that i dropped in front of him when he was fifteen and had his first "girlfriend' who also had her first "boyfriend" and said to him "Son I don't condemn it or condone it but I would appreciate if you'd use these when you and (name not used) start doing it"

hell I was gone 18 hours a day and the wife 9 so it seemed the practical way to broach the subject.

Jason said...

I hated, HATED, Eyes of the Dragon.

Tomscockwhore said...

You take the best pictures! How do you do it?!?

Susan Miller said...

Tough one...approaching a sex talk with your child. I always thought a door would open, and it did a couple of years back. We were watching a television show together, and he chuckled at what was some adult sexual humor.

So I asked, "What was funny about that?"

And he responded, "What do you mean?"

"Tell me what that meant to you."

He started looking more serious but said nothing.

"Do you have any questions about sex?" I asked. "Would you like to talk about it?"

He quickly ran to his room, jumped in his bed and put his head under the covers.

I followed about a minute behind, stood in the doorway and then said, "If you ever have any questions, anything is said that you don't understand...I'm the best person to ask 'cause I'll tell you the truth."

"Okay, I don't want to talk about it," he said.

Since then I consider myself open on the subject and will every once in a while say things around him and his friends that shock a bit.

And when they revealed to me that many of the little girls in junior high were enjoying giving blow jobs I thought nothing was wrong with telling them that gum disease could cause their penis to fall off. ;) No, not really. I didn't say that, but I did think it.

Cheri said...

Susan Miller, that made me laugh soooo hard!!

Short bus and Special said...

Pop Ali's heads off!! Pop Ali's head off!! Rename Iraw into Bushville!!!

Xaviera Hollander said...

Sex is about money.

Frank Booth said...

Don't toast to my health, toast to my fuck!

Allastares Cookie said...

Three cheers for Frank's fuck!!!

Short bus and Special said...

He has three fucks?

Patton said...

Speaking of three fucks, we need Rudy Giuliani in the White house because he'll get tough with the Arab world. Iran is paying 38 cents for a gallon of gas. We've paid $3.38 for a gallon of gas. We need to start bombing Iran immediately and take all of their oil and gas reserves. And completely knock out the nuclear capability of those sand niggers while we're at it!!!

Charles Nelson Reilly said...

I love your bikini. Red and purple are marvelous together.

The Allman Brothers said...

Sometimes I feel like I'm tied to the whipping post.

Jesus said...

Tell me about it.

Woody Allen said...

What if he's masturbating?

Dr. Elliot Kupferberg said...

Criminal psychopaths use psychiatrists to sharpen their verbal conning skills.

Rodney Dangerfield said...

When it comes to bikinis, I'm color blind, if you know what I mean.