Saturday, October 21, 2006

You Wait Your Whole Life

During one of my first few years in Detroit, I discovered the horror that is Sweetest Day, fittingly enough in a Hallmark while shopping for cards for a real holiday, ie, Halloween. It was a Friday night in October and there were tons of men crammed into the store. I knew they all couldn't be looking for Halloween cards, so spygirl that I am, I followed one to a Valentine-like rack of cards proclaiming it Sweetest Day. What?! In Texas, nobody has even heard of Sweetest Day, so I read a few cards of nauseating sentiment, saw a few bears with I wuv you on their t-shirts (I had seen these at the 7-11 while grabbing a Big Gulp; now I understood their demonic purpose), and hustled myself to the check-out to make my way home for a fun night of addressing Halloween wishes to friends and family while watching Sanford and Son. One of my childhood virtues according to my mother was that I could entertain myself.

Researching this perverse holiday, I found that it's only celebrated in a very small part of the northern midwest, mostly in Detroit, Cleveland, and Buffalo. I suppose it's cold and grim enough in all of these places to warrant something special. But today will not be pretty. For the first time in twenty-two years, the Detroit Tigers are in the World Series that starts today. Those romantic dinner in a quiet French bistro bullshit fantasies will be laid to rest at the grave of Coamerica Park or the local sports bar. Even during the regular season, I observed couple after couple at a restaurant, the man transfixed by a game, the woman twirling her hair and trying to pace herself with the drinks as not to get blotto out of sheer boredom. Women, today is not the day to draw a line in the sand about your relationship. The Tigers are in the World Series! Forget the flowers and cards! Earlier this year, a skinny man with track marks all over his arms came up to me in a bar and started telling me about how this was the greatest city in the whole world, how baseball was so amazing. He started to cry, wiped his hands with his bev napkin. You can't imagine how lucky we are, living here during this time, he said. But I could, and I told him so. You wait your whole life for something this special, he continued. What's a pink and white card and a 7-11 teddy bear compared to that?

Michelle's Spell of the Day

"Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others." Ambrose Bierce

Cocktail Hour

Detroit Tigers Party

1 bucket of KFC chicken
lots and lots of beer -- low-end for the guys, high-end for the girls
shots of tequila for the ending

Benedictions and Maledictions

Thanks to my wonderful friend Shawn for my Hobgoblin Friend, pictured above. I love him! He's my very first Halloween present this year.


Laura said...

Great post. Yes I'll be one of those transfixed on the Tigers game tonight. Oh and thanks for reminding me its sweetest day. I forgot all about it.

JR's Thumbprints said...

Here's what I remember about the last Detroit World Series celebration--some white suburbanite dude standing with a Tiger penant in front of an overturned automobile (cop car I think). Twenty years later he commits suicide in some southern state. Nothing sweet about that. I shall celebrate from my La-Z-Boy chair. Not Sweetest Day, but a Tiger victory.

Paul said...

Cajun Q chicken and beer sound good Rock On Foxy Tiger Lady R2C2 O Happy Day Isis Day Tiger Day!

Bacchus said...

Your sexist division of libations offends the sports world. No wonder your Tigers lost.

Norm Cash said...

You suck.

Cheri said...

And there's nothing quite like being broken up with the night before the evil Hallmark Holiday. Which happens to be two nights before your scary surgery lol.

Sheila said...

Yeah sweetest day sucks. I know I'm a girl and supposed to like it and all.. but I always hope that my boyfriend doesn't get me anything so I dont feel obligated to get him something.