I've never been anyone's mistress, but I love to write stories about it, leading people to think otherwise. I don't mind that label and think of the one French bit of humor I know (the French, and I can say this given that I am in part French, much to my horror, don't have the greatest senses of humor, not a lot of ha has with that bunch except when Jerry Lewis appears -- could anything be more mystifying than that other than the German's love of David Hasselhoff? But I digress.) -- There is nothing more embarassing than being caught in bed with your husband! So what draws me to this material? The mistress, the person on the margins, has that Janis Joplin "Me and Bobby McGee" freedom, the nothing left to lose kind, the ultimate loose cannon. I am not a loose cannon. Am the kind of person who plans and worries, whose most rebellious fantasy is throwing her cell phone out her car window (like Vito on The Sopranos last season). I could resent inantimate objects and certain types of food if I tried. Neurotic, sure. But not exactly screaming bunny-boiler, is it?
And there's the issue of honesty, a paradise for a writer. I love Richard Pryor's response to getting caught in the act of adultery --Who you going to believe? Me or your lying eyes? Or Bill Clinton's for that matter, which came down to the Catholic school girl definition of sex. Playing stupid whether he had had sex with "that woman" was not his deftest political move, though. Anyone could see that Bill with his Elvis-like ways and Southern charms, could woo the ladies. A dear friend of mine, a preacher for several years, said that when he started his affair with the church piano player, he knew that what happened in darkness would eventually come to light. But like most of us, he thought he could drive the car even after all the engine lights had come on to warn him that things were not good. And what is redemption without a fall? Well, it's like watching Jerry Lewis while having sex with your husband, not something that should even be considered in this world or the next.
Michelle's Spell of the Day
"I am prone to envy. It's one of my three default emotions, the others being greed and rage. I have also experienced compassion and generosity, but only fleetingly and usually while drunk, so I have little memory." Augusten Burroughs, Possible Side Effects
Cocktail Hour
Drinking comedy suggestion: Bring The Pain, Chris Rock
Benedictions and Maledictions
Thanks for the Halloween suggestions! I'll start posting Halloween-like pictures at the end of this week and continue through the month of October. Special thanks to Jodi for the great t-shirt!
17 comments:
One of my college girlfriends loved Jerry Lewis. Naturally, she was French. Yes, she'd seen all Jerry's movies, studied his rise to fame going back to his days with Dean Martin, and even displayed an autographed picture of Jerry in the parlor of her parents' home. As for me, I'm Belgian and detest Mr. Lewis, except when he was in that movie,"The King of Comedy."
Back in my hard drinking days, I just refused to put motor oil in my Cadillac. That car was just so damn expensive. I figured, why add to it? So, one day when all the lights came on I knew I had screwed up somehow and my Caddy just died and I coasted off the X-way and just walked away from it. Talk about singin' the blues. My mistress was with me and she can verify that the old Killer really did this.
Jerry Lewis has done record-setting work for the Muscular Dystrophy Association. Kudos, Gerry. He probably has improved peoples' sex lives.
I thought she loved me, I really did.
Even though I fell for his illusions, I knew all along he was a loser. And so was Myrtle.
How was I to know she was driving?
I avoided the whole mess and sold my Dodge to the grocer.
That bitch Tripp done me in. Wipe that smirk off your faces.
He knows deep down that he broke a lot of Democratic hearts, but in the end, that's just politics.
What's going on, Michelle? Didn't you mime me that you were my mistress?
Sincerely,
Nappy
What's wrong with having sex during the Telethon? I find it inspirational.
Cajun Queen, Twins are Spooky but in you case Foxy so Evil O-kay 2 happy Halloween mighty One Shazammmmmm R2 C2!
Dear Michelle,
Another charming post and top. If you are the Evil Twin, bravo! A most amusing post, as always. Hope you are enjoying some bubbly with Detroit set to roar I even have a Tigers hat ahead of the Series. Winner take all, losers weepers.
I've always wanted a mistress but those darn Catholic values keep popping up, preventing any of that kind of fun.... Besides, my wife always says no when I ask if I can get one.
I am all sweetness and light. Which does the audience prefer, deep down?
Love the evil twin theory!
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