Sunday, December 23, 2007

A Gift For The Whole Family




The worst gift I ever got was an old bowl of chocolates infested by ants. Wrapped and under the tree, the ants had made their way out of the snowflake-themed paper and had set up camp underneath the Christmas tree. I always played Santa every year, having a keen eye for who had more gifts than others and keeping the flow of them relatively even. Open another! I might say to someone who had three million presents while someone else would only get something every other turn. There's an art to making it look like everybody gets as much as everyone else! Not true in life, but we do what we can at Christmas where illusion is prized over cold hard reality. So there I was, dressed in a Santa Baby t-shirt and skirt, I kept feeling something biting me. Nothing is biting you, Michelle, my mother said. Do your job! So I kept giving out presents, getting stung.

Finally, the offending gift was unwrapped, ants everywhere. It was a gift for the whole family so I gave it to my dad, who had less gifts than everyone else and he opened it and dropped it on the floor. I told you I was getting bit, I said, glaring at my mother. She laughed. Guess you were right, she said. I bet it's a hundred years old, probably passed from Christmas to Christmas. She brought out a bottle of Raid and sprayed a little. Let's get to the rest of it, she said. You're still Santa. The rest of the night was ribbons and bows, me ever vigilant for ants. Those bastards get into everything! The next morning, the tree looked barren, the sad truth of Christmas morning when you open on Christmas Eve. I didn't have a job anymore, just these little sores from the night before, the aftermath of the worst regifting in the world.

Michelle's Spell of the Day
"I've been a pretty lucky guy. Reckless enough to have a good time, not so reckless that I ended up in jail." Charlie Wilson

Cocktail Hour
Drinking morning suggestion: It's the holidays -- Hello, peach bellinis!

Benedictions and Maledictions
Happy Sunday! And much love and support to our old family friends, the Trimbles, on their loss of Barb, beloved wife and mother whose funeral is today. She was always so kind and funny -- she will be missed sorely. Rest in peace, dearest Barb!

11 comments:

Charles Gramlich said...

In a bizarre way, this is kind of funny. Certainly an interesting slice of life.

the walking man said...

And there is one of the reasons I let spiders live inside and outside of my house. Big fat ones that will prowl for food if nothing comes into the web. Of course the dog will eat them if they get to close to human living spaces, they have learned about predator and prey.

On another subject shrimpy I bet a dollar that your Santa baby T shirt still fits.

I hope you are comfortable where you are, I had nothing to do with the snow or ice so stay safe.

Have a good holiday and remember to take some Michelle time as your Christmas present to yourself.

Peace

mark

eric1313 said...

Being Santa ain't no picnic...

But the ants disagree!!!

eric1313 said...

Much condolences to the loss of your friend.

Take care, you.

Zack the Incredible said...

Bachman, many condolences to the loss of your few brain cells left asshole

Guy-Manuel said...

ohhh bebe....
jou inside a cage or something...
awaiting for me?
bebe??

George Costanza said...

Those peach bikinis sound wonderful. I'd like to try one on with you sometime and happy holidays while we're at it.

Pythia3 said...

So sorry to hear of a loss - the loss of a mother - and this time of year. Very sad. My deepest sympathies.

Pythia3 said...

Also, my deepest sympathies to the zack the incredible . . . incredible what? Coward?
Spineless anonymity is a sign that something's not right between the ears? or legs?
Come out from hiding and speak your mind like a REAL man. Or, hide what's left between your legs and whimper off into cyberhell.
Very sorry Michelle, I have much respect for you and your writing and your page, but enough is enough of these cowardly comments from nicknamed fools.

eric1313 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
eric1313 said...

Pythia

It's all good. Whenever the anonymous asshat lets the scabs heal, he might find normal sexual relations to be a possibility once more!

Who would want to? He has yet to discern that...

At least we can show our faces in public--he has to hide his for fear of inciting an angry mob.