Thursday, August 09, 2007

The Darkness Before The Dawn Thing

I went to a yoga class at the behest of a friend who works at the said studio as a massage therapist. Dressed in the same leggings I have been wearing for the last fifteen years (as much as I love clothes, I refuse to spend money on work-out clothes because I hate working out and don't care how I look when doing so) and a Made In Detroit t-shirt, all black. The class involved a lot of props which is not how my regular yoga teacher rolls. The teacher had it in for me immediately, calling me a "real life yogi" (are you fucking kidding me? I'm flexible which is a far cry from competent) and started in on my posture. "You're compromising the pose," was her mantra for me, and I wanted to say like children of divorced parents often do to their parents' significant others -- You're not my real yoga teacher! My friend, totally uninterested and non-athletic (she's one of those evil people who can eat everything, gain no weight, and has no interest in working out) barely moved her legs, to which the instructor said, Beautiful, beautiful! The class moved at the pace of the ceiling fan which lazed around at the slowest speed (for the record, it was the coolest ceiling fan I ever saw -- two old-fashioned fans attached to either side of the blades), and the teacher came up to me at the end and said, Bet you never had a yoga class quite like this one before. True enough. We had to take affirmations from a bowl at the end, and I ended up with one from Richard Nixon -- We could "share" our affirmations so I did because even though it came from old Tricky Dick, I liked it. "Only if you have been in the deepest valley can you know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain." Another woman who had been through several cancer surgeries shared a poem from Basho about his house burning down enabling him to see the moon. I told her that he wrote it after his child died, from a place of deep despair which pleased her if not the "yogi" in charge. Then a gong sounded, class ended, and I was shocked to find that I had not even broken a small sweat.

So I thought about the darkness before the dawn thing (I'd accidentally taken five affirmations, all stuck together and that seemed to be the motif of all of them), my central theme in some ways and despite the gong, the picking, and the strangeness of the new setting, I felt at ease. Years ago, I would have felt awful in such a place, awkward and strange, not liked, insecure. Now I couldn't stop smiling which is such a creepy sensation for me that I cannot say. But I had my affirmations, all five of them, had gone through a strange treatment called an ion cleanse, which consists of putting your feet in a tub of water and having the toxins sucked out. I'm all for toxins going bye-bye considering how many I put into my body on any given day. I looked at yoga clothes that I would never wear and never buy, thought them beautiful. Smiled again at everyone, not in that you will love me kind of way, but in that you already do and it's okay if you don't. Not quite a miracle, but maybe it is.

Michelle's Spell of the Day
"Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King, Jr.

Cocktail Hour
Drinking memoir suggestion: The Mistress's Daughter A.M. Homes

Benedictions and Maledictions
My dear friend Bradley of Chant fame (see sidebar for his wonderful website) is playing at Andy's Bar in Denton, Texas for his cd release party this Friday. Check him out if you're in the area! His show is like no other!


paul said...


the walking man said...

Uhhhh I hate working out too but i will panhandle some money for you if you really want a new pair of leggings, or cut the legs off some of my pants and you can have your friend who never gains weight sew them to fit, that would be appropriate recourse to her swift metabolism.

And who else but thee would get a quote from Nixon and find comfort in it...but then we find our affirmations where we can I guess, personally I find mine when the dog sleeps with the old lady on the bed as opposed to me on the futon because then you know who doesn't have to get up at 1 am to let her out.

As far as the toxins go my tub had better be an olympic size swimming pool, just to start moving them towards my feet.

But I am glad, happy, overjoyed and thinking that it is truly wonderful that you found your smile and realized that maybe not everyone has love for you but it's those that do that put the light to that smile.



the walking man said...

I think this is the link you want to refer people to for your friend, the other is dead and if you google it you get the gregorian chant project

dharmabum said...

michelle thank you for your comment on my thing (no not that, my blog):)
I had to redo the blog, my friend (she is a good person for reality checks). She pointed out to me that i was putting in too much info; i want to write about my everyday life, but i have to be careful. I am going to be honest, as i see it that is, and i do not want to get fired or run off yet. Not until i am ready to find whatever area and school where i will do my RN classes at. So i deleted most of the first entries, i was so high anyway they were not cohesive. I think one of your students pointed out to me that Blazing, as she calls it, might not be the best way to write. Even though ultimately it is up to me. I keep thinking about what Tui pointed out, hers was a journal, not for us but for her. I dig that. Anyway, thanks again, and I know you are aware, I hope, you have something in your writing that...well some people have it and some do not. Damn I wish i was around to take your classes.

Do you do any online classes? Shit, that would be so cool. I am so involved with the renovation at our building, but i want to keep up at least six credits for financial aid loans. I know that sounds terrible. I save the money because i will need it when I decide what area and university i will end up at. I have to be at a big school. Ours is too limiting in such a number of ways, plus i have become too involved in the admin part. Mainly because it is so small that even as a work study i have many responsibilities, and even authority, although as i am sure you know that is not cool. Adminwise that is. I do love helping the students. We have so many that fit the cohort of no GED-HS diploma, and most have issues of one sort or another. Single mothers being my soft spot. Our project will address these different obstacles. We will have childcare, the local domestic abuse/womens shelter has an office in the building. Well, here i am blogging on your comment section.

Sorry. I will send you my next post. I will be writing about it/with pics :o)