Live Snakes, Next Exit

I have been to the snake farm once, years ago with my mother after she got out of the hospital for an extensive operation to remove a large nest of malignant tumors. Dust had settled on everything in the shop -- the stuffed snakes, the rattlesnake jewelry, the tanks -- so much so that I couldn't tell what was living and what was dead. Upon seeing my fear, the owner saddled up to me and said, Darling, you got nothing to worry about. The only living snakes you can't see are in those boxes over there. The boxes sat in the corner with a big rock anchoring them down, caution! written across the front of the old cardboard. Mesmerized by the slight motion of the boxes, I nearly pissed myself when a kitten ran across my foot. Also charming: underneath a tank of copperheads by the cash register, two potbellied pigs slept side by side in a box, oblivious to the fact that they would soon be dead, which is probably a good way to be. You, of course, are free to believe anything you want. The owner, a big old boy named Garland, also showed off a snakeskin used on "The X-Files." It's a beaut, he said. I had to sew three skins together. The thing took up half a wall.

Another time, an ex-boyfriend of mine went to the snake farm in the winter and sat on a bunch of crates and talked to the owner for a solid half hour before asking, So where are the rattlesnakes? Well, you guessed it, they were hybernating in the very crates that he was sitting on. I do not know which is worse -- the sound of the rattles or the hybernating menace right under you, silent and waiting for the spring.

Michelle's Spell of the Day

"Are you happy, Ari, or is this madness that is going to turn on me in a moment?" Lloyd on Entourage

Cocktail Hour

Make traditional vodka martinis and garnish them with olives stuffed with sardines. (You can buy these olives pre-made.)

Benedictions and Maledictions

For Jason -- to make your Halloween better, you need to spread it out over a few days -- a Halloween week as it were so there isn't so much pressure on the day. Each day should have a Halloween activity -- haunted houses, gorging on candy, dressing up, having a party, etc. I will include specific ideas all during the month of October. The idea is to have sort of a rolling party so that expectation stays low, but you're always doing something fun.