Tuesday, May 23, 2006
When I was a little girl, people talked about the end times as if they were just around the corner, shit like, the faucets will run with blood, the good people will be taken up as if by magic, and your sorry ass will be stuck here with all the other sinners if you don't dedicate your heart to God. This didn't really scare anybody I knew -- Heaven sounded a little dorky, truth be told, all that streets of gold stuff and all you needed to know about hell was that it was a small place and everyone you ever slept with would be there, pissed off at you, just like real life. Lake of fire a threat? Try watching a Celine Dion concert. You want pain, there's pain, watching that woman who is not attractive that people keep saying is attractive (I call this the Barbra Streisand syndrome) beat on her skinny little chest for two hours while belting out love songs to that creepy-ass husband is lake of fire enough for me.
Michelle's Spell of the Day
"I'm angling for purgatory, and I'm angling hard." Chuck Klosterman
2 cups of brandy
1 bottle of champagne
1 cup of grand marnier
2 cups of gingerale
Benedictions and Maledictions
To His Coy Mistress in Detroit
Some guy in line at CVS starts
babbling about the end times, rapture,
yelling, Do you want the news?
Do you see how everything is going
to hell? The checker says, Fool, look
around you. The end times already
come and gone in Detroit, and we still
here. I hand her the vodka that I’ve
been clutching as if it might save me,
if from myself if nothing else. End
times, the checker says, I heard that
one before. Men always saying some
shit to get you into bed, and I shake
my head and say, don’t I know it.