Tuesday, May 30, 2006

As Long As It's Healthy

My friend Mark once tried to cook dinner for a prospective girlfriend and called me to ask advice. This action alone gave me pause as my idea of cooking dinner consists of two things -- either heating up things other people make and passing them off as my own or buying food at restaurants and passing it off as my own, taking great care to dispose of the take-out containers beforehand. My advice to Mark was simple -- get Michelle (the girl in question had my name, a bad anorexia problem -- she'd lost half her body weight and her hair was falling out by the handful, and a heavy valium dependency, not too mention a thick Oklahoma accent) a little drunk and anything would taste all right. He didn't have enough gas in his truck to drive to anywhere but Piggly Wiggly, a local grocery store that doesn't carry anything remotely fresh. I said spaghetti was a safe bet, spaghetti was good. Also, Ragu. Ragu works.

Mark did as he was told and still the night went awry. Apparently, she got very drunk on cheap red wine and ended up throwing the spaghetti at him. He, also being drunk, was unclear on what had happened to cause the throwing of pasta, but he had seen her in her underpants and seemed content with my stellar cooking advice insofar that it had brought him some joy. He had dumped another woman for calling three times a day just to say hi, another for rolling her eyes back in her head during sex where just the whites showed, like a horror show creature. His romantic life had been a real mixed bag. When he'd get drunk as a frog, he'd shoot beer cans with his bb gun and tell everyone that he all he wanted in life was a woman who would accept him and his drinking, no questions asked, just like some people say about the gender of their babies, we don't care as long as it's healthy. It wasn't too much to ask, was it? he'd ask, before he'd take down another group of cans. Even with him drinking all day, I have to admit that his aim never suffered.

Michelle's Spell of the Day

"It was the hour between the dog and the wolf." Jean Rhys

It's Not Healthy At All

vanilla ice-cream
Godiva Chocolate (any of the chocolate alcohol flavors will work)

Combine all ingredients for the best dessert ever!


cindy said...


You are so adorable! I'm sure there was a very good reason for anorexic Michelle to get mad at this man at the time -- or at any time ;)


paul said...

Ah, the Queen is back! I can venture out again. . . that dessert sounds real good, too, and the story's funny, funny, funny. Makes me laugh.


R2 C2

Tom said...


Sounds like the kinds of gals I used to date. They really are fun, if you can consider that kind of behavior foreplay.,,,,,,,,,Beautiful, you are in the photo. I can almost taste the Dr. Pepper Lipstick. Remember my poem? How bout a (Kiss) from the Dr.?


Cheri said...

I agree with Cindy- he definately was holding something back on why she threw the pasta at him. "I was drunk and don't remember" is the classic excuse for "I don't want to talk about it." Hahaha this made me laugh until my belly hurt.