Thursday, April 06, 2006

Lawyers, Guns, and Money

The statistics say that the gun in your house is more likely to kill you than any other gun, but I don't really believe it. I've always slept with a loaded gun under my bed, figuring if I was going to go out, it would be fighting. I'm friends with my gun, and my ex-husband even made a purse for it (which may be why he's my ex-husband). One of my very loveliest students, Charline in my 2420 Advanced Creative Writing class, gave me a beautiful new necklace with an AK-47 on it. I'm wearing it in this picture. Thank you, Charline! The maker of the AK-47 created a vodka (he wanted to be remembered for pleasure as well as defense), and it's excellent vodka! This drink is a testament to the pleasures of vodka. As a former champion Bible bowler (don't ask!), I know all about testaments and new beginnings. Let the backsliding begin.

Michelle's Spell of the Day

"Should be depressed, my life's a mess, but I'm having a good time." Paul Simon

The Gun In Your House

1 part AK-47 Vodka
1 part pineapple juice
1 part orange juice

Benedictions and Maledictions (Poem for the day!)

A List of Shit Not To Do

1. Clean your gun by sticking it in your mouth as people will whisper at the funeral, he wasn’t really cleaning his gun, you know.

2. Love more than one person.

3. Love anyone.

4. Pills on an empty stomach. At the funeral, people will whisper, she probably didn’t know how much she was taking.

5. Worry about everything.

6. Buy inspirational cards in pastel colors that talk of the futility of worrying. At the funeral, everyone will say, She was trying so hard to be positive. If there is a hell on earth, these people will read the personal notes you left in the cards. Be assured, there is a hell on earth.

7. Fantasize about your funeral. After all, you’re not getting an invitation, per se.

8. Clean your gun by sticking it in your mouth -- Oh, I already said that.


Cheri said...

The list was my favorite part on this post. I actually downloaded a song today called "Revolver Pt.2" and it reminds me so much of this poem it's almost creepy. Check out my link to have a listen...

Paul said...

I'm glad that Mikhael Kalashnikov has developed another practical product. In Nam, the AK-47 kicked the M-16's ass. I hope his Vodka is as serviceable as his assault rifle.

Melvis Presley said...

Me here, again! This pic is the closest to heaven I'll ever be!

Melvis P said...

I love your top ten list. Repost!!!! ASAP