Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The End Is Near


Heidi Klum and Seal have decided to divorce. What can this possibly mean, what with their annual renewal of vows and constant talk of a super hot sex life? It can mean that showing the flag means the ship is in danger of sinking. Like the Titanic or that new Italian cruise ship. Like a punctured water wing. I know. I've showed the flag. Once. My early brief marriage was failing, failing, failing. It was once upon a time, many years ago. We didn't have four children, multiple houses, or extravagant Halloween parties. Okay, we did have Halloween parties in July in our two room apartment with decorations that I couldn't really afford from Michael's. I mean, I overspent to the tune of about twenty two dollars. This was in the 90s when twenty two dollars really meant something. But I digress. We, my ex-husband and I, were on the brink of splitsville. So I put a picture of us posed at a party on my desk at work. We looked good, perfect in fact. We smiled, all dressed in our party clothes. Dear gentle reader, I was wearing pearls. God help us all.

So the picture in a cheap frame from Pier One sat in view of all. My soon to be major ex-boyfriend (then only the wacky guy who had an office across from mine) put a post-it note on the picture that read "Quit flaunting your happy little love affair. It depresses the rest of us." This made me laugh so I kept the post-it note on the picture. It covered up our faces and made me feel oddly sane. My friend Hank grunted when he saw the picture and said, "The end is near." Hank, that motherfucker, could see some shit like an ancient Greek oracle. He was legally blind which makes the above sentence all the more strange and true. By the summer, his prediction had come to pass, and the picture went into the drawer along with the post-it note, a modern art statement. Hank always said when someone was really adamant about something, "Who are you trying to convince?" which is something I always consider. Unlike many internet commenters who act as if the Heidi/Seal break-up is shocking, I don't think so. Most people barely survive one wedding, much less annual vow renewals. And if you have to keep saying it, well, I channel my favorite Mineral Wells oracle -- who are you trying to convince?

10 comments:

Steve Finnell said...

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JR's Thumbprints said...

Hell, I didn't so much as get a family album after eighteen years of make-believe. Now that the ex is doing her major scrapping book project, a sort of tribute to our offspring, I wonder whether I'll be included under such things as soccer coach or Science Olympiad Coordinator ... or will I be forever smothered in one huge ass post-it note and stuffed in a closet collecting dust-mites.

Anonymous said...

I'm astonished!--Sir Basil Seal, British Consul of Detroit

Andy said...

I'm single, never married, live alone and have no children. I don't understand any of this stuff, but like reading everything you have to say about it.

Charles Gramlich said...

I was sick of Klum and Seal before they were an item. I hate to see what was once happy go down the tubes, but maybe they'll be happier after.

Dave said...

I have been happily married for 18 1/2 years.

Now my wife's feelings about the last 18 1/2 years may be something else altogether.

Cheri said...

That Hank, he sure knew his shit.

Anonymous said...

Not yet. I don't want to wake up pregnant.--Don Draper

the walking man said...

Is that shop where you get your hair from...if so I want to go there ...I needs me some hair to save my 30 year marriage...I'd renew the vows and shit but the judge that married us was my divorce attorney and then he became a judge and then the expensive son of bitch died and left us vow less.

But I do vow I will get me some of that hair. Right after I have some cereal.

Tikilee said...

When I heard out about it I said "Seal. When was the last time that guy put out an album?" Two weeks later he releases an album. Just before the announcement Heidi Klum's Project Runway began it's 10th season. The timing of their separation couldn't have been better for exposure and face time on the likes of TMZ and Access Hollywood.

Seal was on Ellen right after the announcement still wearing his wedding ring and looking like a wounded dog. "It just feels so comfortable to wear. I don't have any intentions of taking it off anytime soon." Entire audience let out a sympathetic moan.