Sunday, April 10, 2011



Sunday Miracle -- A fish shaped like the state of Michigan! Some people see the Virgin Mary, I see the Mitten . . . Make of this what you will! Recently, I read a memoir titled Widow by Joyce Carol Oates. Her long-time husband, Raymond Smith, died a few years ago. Being a writer and a quite prolific one (mind-boggingly so), she wrote about the experience. I'd read The Year Of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion which covers the same bitter terrain of losing someone who is, in essence, your entire life. The Oates book is quite different -- while Didion maintains a somewhat clinical yet deeply touching tone, Oates takes a different tack. She goes for the moment by moment hysteria of grief, of self-laceration, of sleepless nights, and social awkwardness. It doesn't have the artistry of Didion's book, but I'm not sure that was the point. She's also describing a very different type of marriage. While Didion and her husband shared everything -- work, troubles, and a child, Oates contends that she and her husband spent most of their time together in an effort not to mention their work or things they found unpleasant or troubling. I've never had a relationship like this, so it seemed to me quite exotic. I liked it for its honesty. But when I discussed various parts of it with people, I found the reactions quite interesting. To note, Oates complains bitterly of the flowers and gift baskets of food she receives in the wake of her grief. When I mentioned this to a friend, she said, Send the food to Haiti, bitch. She complains about people mentioning her husband, complains about them not mentioning him. She complains of the letters she receives and the hardship of having to be a "good widow" and answer all of them. Strange, but I don't think anyone expects to be answered by someone in deep grief. And nobody knows what to say when someone dies. You always tread the ground of saying to much or not enough. Even so, I understood her delicate nature. One gets the sense that her husband shielded her from many of the difficulties of social interaction. Even so, I have to commend Oates for her ability to put it all down, every unflattering emotion. The memoir demands honesty and the ability to disregard judgement, especially one's own. So I give you guys the question -- do you find this kind of soul-baring off-putting or refreshing?

Benedictions and Maledictions Happy Sunday!

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Duane!

(You said in an earlier post that you wished sometimes people would call you Duane. Remember?)

Joyce Carol Oates has written a zillion books, but once you've read "them," you've read them all. There's a sameness about her writing that I just don't care for. She is a talented writer, but she lacks the saving grace of humor. I think I'll read her memoir, though. I know a lot about grief.

Take care, Duane. :)

Keith Hood said...

Joyce Carol Oates is GOD. And, as Dinah Washington says, "That's all there is to that."

Anonymous said...

Oooops! I didn't answer your question about soul-baring. I haven't yet read Oates's book, so I can't speak directly about that. In general, if the soul-baring is genuinely honest and insightful about the loss of a loved one, chances are I'll enjoy the reading. If it's maudlin and self-indulgent (and Oates can be self-indulgent sometimes), it's not for me.

Interesting question. And thanks for the reading suggestion.

Anonymous said...

Where are you Going, Where have you been?--J.C. Oates

Anonymous said...

Hitch-22!--C. Hitchens

Anonymous said...

I always bare my soul. A little too much. Of course, some people hate that because they want to keep up a false face or charade for some reason or other, and someone who tells unabashed truths will blow their game. Honesty for it's own sake vs silence for the sake of a liar. Hard choice to make and yet easy if you let the choice make itself. Sometimes there can be no reward great enough to lie, nor can there be punishment enough for telling the truth. Follow your soul but mind its step.

Charles Gramlich said...

Typically for me, a little soul baring goes a long ways.

JR's Thumbprints said...

One thing is for certain (and I had discussed this with Bonnie Jo Campbell), we definitely miss the "Ontario Review." As for where to send gift baskets of food, does it really matter. In my situation, everyone had written me off, including the neighbors, so what does it matter who eats the food?

the walking man said...

I been MIA for a couple of days. There are two routes one can go with this if it more personal than a memoir but rather someone you know...The memoir *shrug* what reaction can you have to it other than cerebral?

With someone you know you can weep with them or you can stand back and let others do the crying and just be there if needed. I normally...well let me not lie, I always choose the latter. As for notes and fruit baskets...WTF it ain't a birthday how about a casserole or some thing to give the griever some sustenance?

the walking man said...

Oh yeah your MI fish see that little bump down near the lower left which would translate to about 60 miles north of the Ohio border....does that remind you of anywhere?

the walking man said...

The other left, you know the one on the right?

jodi said...

Hi Dolly, I've read the JD book but not the JCO yet. I hate when people that I barely know, expose all their feelings to me. From a close friend its fine, but otherwise I find it offending as I struggle with a response. HATE it....xo